WINE LABEL MAY BENEFIT OTHER VICES

Sometimes, the goofy government almost drives me to drink. Turns out,
that's what it advises.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (which sounds like a
heavy-metal band but in fact is a federal agency) proudly announced
last week that it will allow wineries to use labels reminiscent of the
patter of snake-oil shills.

One label states, "The proud people who made this wine encourage you
to consult your family doctor about the health effects of wine
consumption." No doubt, you'll soon see wine bottles not only in
grocery liquor aisles but next to the aspirin and granola.

Some critics argue the governmental blessing might encourage people to
drink too much. Not that wine makers want you to overindulge. No
siree, they'd never want you to buy too much of their product.

Rather, vintners (along with the federal government) recommend daily
moderation: one 5-ounce glass for women and two for men. This hits
home, as I consider myself a wine connoisseur, though I sometimes have
a hard time with those screw-tops.

More importantly, I think these labels are the first step in the
government helping us befuddled consumers make smarter purchases. So,
we need more consumer labels:

Firearms. Guns get a bad rap. After all, guns don't kill people;
bullets do. Besides, you never hear about the health benefits of guns.
A government label could proclaim, "This firearm is an effective pain
reliever, especially if your pain stems from a no-good, shiftless,
boozin' skunk of a husband or a two-faced, cheatin', lyin' alleycat
of a wife. Use two slugs and call the coroner in the morning."

Crack. Sure, crack cocaine can be bad for you -- if you
use

it. But if you sell it, it can make you rich. And if the government
can bend to wine-makers' requests for the label, why not help other
businessmen looking to make a buck?

With the entrepreneur in mind, the government could tinker with the
wine labels a bit: "The proud people who make this crack encourage you
to consult your crack dealer about the financial effects of crack
consumption."

Gambling. Worrywarts always badmouth gambling as a quick way to leave
you penniless. Well, yeah, that can be a bad thing, but what about the
positive effects of poverty?

How about this label, which we could put on lottery tickets, slot
machines and gaming tables: "Gambling has been shown to empty your
pockets, which means you won't have to worry about how to invest your
money, which means you'll have fewer financial worries, which means
less stress on your ticker. So double down and live longer!"

Prostitutes. Yes, streetwalkers are disease-infected, potentially
violent and (particularly in Peoria) often downright ugly. But without
prostitution, Peoria would lose one of its key tourism draws. And
small-town geeks trolling Peoria for cheap thrills create a spin-off
economy (booze, smokes, prophylactics) that must run upwards of
hundreds of dollars a year.

So, rather than begrudge these enterprising businesswomen, let's
embrace their economic value and put this helpful label on their
foreheads: " 'Hos are people, too. Don't haggle or complain about
prices. Tip generously, and afterward visit Peoria's exciting new
riverfront."