SURVEY URGES STRAIGHT TALK FROM PARENTS

Teens learn more about sex, drugs from media, peers

A national survey by two local groups released today warns parents they must
do better at telling their kids about issues like AIDS, pregnancy and drugs,
a stern message backed by poll results that say teens pay less attention to
parents and more to friends, TV and the Internet.

Once they hit 13, experts say, most children have already glimpsed an
R-rated movie, surfed a porn site and tasted a beer.

The national survey, which polled 880 parents and 348 children ages 10 to
15, is part of the ``Talking with Kids about Tough Issues'' campaign
sponsored by Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation. It intends to
help parents by informing them on how and when they should talk to their
kids.

`Anxious' children

``The campaign is grounded in the knowledge that kids are anxious and ready
for these talks much earlier than parents are ready to give them,'' said
Lois Salisbury, president of Children Now, an Oakland-based national
children's advocacy group. ``The survey shows what kids want and encourages
parents to step up to the plate.''

The poll results affirm what most parents already know about the importance
of open communication with several key findings -- including evidence that a
mom's influence diminishes dramatically when children become teens. Among
the poll findings:

When asked about their top five sources of information for sex, AIDS,
alcohol, drugs and violence, children ages 10 to 12 listed mothers at the
top, along with the entertainment media, schools and teachers. But by age
13, mothers were at the bottom of the list and friends at the top.

Although almost half of children ages 10 to 12 wanted to know more about
such issues as protecting against HIV and AIDS, preventing pregnancy, birth
control methods and knowing when they're ready to have sex, a large
percentage of parents had never talked to them about some of those topics.

The younger the children, the more likely they will initiate a conversation
about many of these issues. For example, 40 percent of the parents of 8- and
9-year-olds said their children asked to talk about how to prevent
pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, but 28 percent of the parents
of 13- to 15-year-olds said they were approached by their teens.

Although some of the children and teens reported that their parents seemed
judgmental, out of touch, unprepared, embarrassed or wanting to avoid the
topic, a very high percentage of them said they were glad they had talked to
their parents and had a better idea of how to handle certain issues.

``The idea here is to change the national mindset about how parents should
talk to their kids,'' said Matt James, senior vice president for the Kaiser
46amily Foundation, a national health-care philanthropy based in Menlo
Park2E ``Sure, kids can get the straightforward information from school or
books, but what they need is to hear what their parents think and value.''

As the father of children who are 8 and 10, James said his inclination is to
want to turn off the TV if there is a scene that might raise one or more of
those tough-issue questions.

``But they're at an age when the best thing for me to do is watch it with
them and discuss what Mom and Dad think about that scene.''

Child study experts say parents can't change the fact that, as kids mature,
they will naturally turn to peers for advice and place television, movies,
magazines and the Internet high on their list of resources. But instead of
lecturing and fretting, parents should look for ``teachable moments'' --
opportunities to approach a tough topic.

Hard to talk `cold turkey'

``It's hard to talk to kids cold turkey,'' said Parker Page, president of
the Children's Television Resource and Education Center in San Francisco.
``But you can use a TV show or a movie to segue into a conversation about
sex or drinking.''

Even though parents may be uncomfortable, they should ``fight through it''
and talk when the chance is there, said Dr. Richard Gallagher, assistant
professor of clinical psychiatry at the Parenting Institute of New York
University's Child Study Center. On last week's TV episode of ``Dawson's
Creek,'' for instance, open condom packages were shown on a nightstand,
implying that two of the high school characters on the popular teen show had
sex.

``It leads to the assumption that everyone is doing it, when, in fact,
that's not true,'' said Gallagher, adding that it would have been a good
time to talk about a number of issues, including birth control, pressures to
have sex and AIDS.

Listening important

Campbell Middle School teacher Carolyn Cristofani said what her students
want most is for their parents to listen, and that they often test how their
mom or dad might react by bringing up what they sense is a sensitive
subject.

``At this age, they start to shut down and are afraid to talk to parents if
the parents get upset,'' she said. ``It's not a time to get angry or attempt
discipline with your children.''

Natalie Conte, 13, said she talks to her mom about ``guys, drugs and
smoking'' and seeks her dad to talk about ``life.'' But, the Campbell Middle
School student said, she relies on her friends for spontaneous discussions.

``It's that your friends are going through the same thing you are and
understand how you're feeling, so it's just easier,'' she said.

The talks become even trickier when there's a cultural consideration in
addition to a generational one.

``For the children of immigrants, it gets really complicated because the
parents have a much different context and are often much more strict,'' said
Judith Kleinberg, executive director of Kids in Common, a child advocacy
agency in Santa Clara County.

``The hardest thing in the world is to talk to your parents,'' said Kristyn
Boxton, 16, a San Leandro High School sophomore. She's involved in a peer
education program at Girls Inc. in Oakland that trains students to be
conduits who can give informed answers to other teens, especially those who
don't have parents or other trusted adults to talk with.

``Even though my mom and I do talk about issues, it's not the same kind of
conversation that you can have with friends,'' said Boxton. ``But I know I
could go to her if I need to and there are a lot of kids who can't (go to
their parents).''