TAKE TWO PILLS AND CALL YOUR LAWYER

I had a bit of a fright the other day, reading the warnings the
druggist included in the package with a doctor's prescription.

There was a time when the man in the pharmacy department typed a label
and counted out the pills that you carried home and swallowed as
instructed. But now that we all wake up every morning trying to think
of somebody to sue, companies that make and sell drugs have to protect
themselves.

So when you pick up a prescription these days, it is apt to come with
literature describing bad experiences some people have had with the
medication. Never mind that their reactions could not be absolutely
verified and may have had some other wholly unrelated cause.

The warnings can scare you half silly. They go something like
this:

CAUTION: Side effects may include one or more of the following:
dizziness, blinding headaches, confusion, blurred vision, heart
palpitation, seizures, incontinence, hair loss, abnormal appetite,
sensitivity to sunlight, deafness, skin eruptions, short-term memory
loss, difficulty sleeping, feelings of general worthlessness and
ungovernable rage.

These reactions, it is noted, have been reported only by a
statistically inconsequential number of patients using the medication.
The manifestations are for the most part transient, and when use of
the drug is discontinued they likely will pass.

On the other hand, they might not.

Avoid driving a car, working around heavy machinery or making
important personal or financial decisions while taking this medicine,
the paper says. If the effects persist, see your doctor.

My guess is that by then it could be too late.

``It kind of shakes you up to read that,'' I told my wife. ``A fellow
would almost be afraid to use the stuff if he didn't have a lot of
those problems already.''

``You don't have palpitations, and you govern your rage. Most of the
time.''

``I try, anyway.'' I tipped a couple of tablets out of the bottle into
my hand. They were white, and kind of dusty.

``But if I take these, who knows?''

``It must be a powerful prescription,'' she said.

``It cost enough.''

``So what are you going to do?''

``I paid for it,'' I said. ``I'm not going to let it go to
waste.''

``Stay out of the sun,'' she said. ``And try not to get
violent.''

``I'll do my best.''

I ran a glass of water from the tap.

``Put the cats and dogs in the basement, out of harm's way,'' I told
her. ``Lock yourself in the bedroom. And get the lawyer on the line.''

``For what?''

``Tell him to stay by the phone, because I'm starting a new
prescription, and you may need to litigate.''

If there's a scandalous account of it in tomorrow's paper, you'll know
I was one of those poor devils -- unlucky, but statistically
inconsequential -- for whom things didn't turn out so well.

C.W. Gusewelle
Columnist for the Kansas City Star.