TALK THE TALK

TEENS WANT more information about drugs, birth control, violence and
AIDS, a new poll says. But here's the catch: Unless parents talk early
- -- and talk often -- about these issues before their kids reach
adolescence, the youngsters probably will tune out Mom and Dad and
gravitate to friends, TV and the Internet for answers.

And by that point, it may be too late.

``It's the classic shift that happens during the teen years,''
explains Lois Salisbury, president of Children Now, an Oakland-based
national advocacy group that co-sponsored the survey of teens and
their parents released last week. ``They start to rely more on their
peers, and the influence of the media becomes even stronger.''

So how do parents face this challenge? How -- and when -- is it best
to try to reach kids with the information that could possibly save
their lives? What experts advise is for parents to seize an
opportunity when they see it: a television show or movie can be the
catalyst for conversation about sex or drinking. A news story might
lead to a discussion about violence.

Create an open environment where children will feel free to ask
questions, they say. Don't be judgmental but let them know your values
and principles. Keep things focused and talk frequently because kids
retain more that way.

But even when parents do and say the right things, it doesn't always
change their children's inclination to back away when they become teens.

``Some have good relationships with their parents, some don't,'' says
Jesus Rios of the students involved in New Options, an after-school
program he manages at Overfelt High School in San Jose. ``Either way,
they just don't like to talk to parents about certain things.''

When asked in last week's poll about their top five sources of
information for sex, AIDS, alcohol, drugs and violence, children ages
10 to 12 listed mothers at the top, along with the entertainment
media, schools and teachers. By age 13, however, mothers sank to the
bottom of the list and friends rose to the top.

``My mom's like a buddy mom, so I can talk to her about anything,''
says Carmen Lara, 14, a freshman at Overfelt. ``But then she's like,
`Why do you want to know?' ''

Although 10- to 12-year-olds said they wanted to know more about such
issues as protecting against HIV and AIDS, preventing pregnancy and
knowing when they're ready to have sex, a large percentage of parents
had never talked to them about these topics. Instead, the poll
indicated that parents thought they could wait until their kids were
older before approaching these subjects.

``What's most worrisome is that children aren't being talked to and
have no idea what their parents really think,'' says Dr. Richard
Gallagher, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the Parenting
Institute of New York University's Child Study Center. ``Communicating
openly doesn't necessarily encourage kids to partake.''

Misinformation widespread

The consequences of not communicating can be disastrous. A separate
national survey released Monday found that, despite rising rates of
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) among teens, few of them worry
about the risk and are misinformed or uninformed about detection and
treatment.

The poll of 15- to 17-year-olds -- sponsored by the Kaiser Family
Foundation, MTV and Teen People magazine -- found that 70 percent
would feel very uncomfortable telling their parents if they found out

they had a sexually transmitted disease, even though they cited
parents as their No. 2 source (after a sex or health education class
at school) for information about it.

That's where programs like New Options at Overfelt High come in.
Sponsored by the YWCA in Santa Clara Valley, the program is patterned
after a national model that attempts to cut down on the number of teen
pregnancies by incorporating career and health workshops, counseling
sessions, sports and access to role models.

New Options was started at Overfelt about two years ago and its staff
has worked with about 200 students, sometimes serving as a liaison
between the students and their parents, who are often immigrants.

``A combination of things seem to work best,'' says Michelle Charron,
who heads the family life education portion of the program and is
viewed as the knowledgeable older sister by many of the students.

``When a mom says, `I don't want my daughter to be involved in those
discussions,' I try to explain to her that we keep it in the third
person and just want (the daughter) to have the right information to
pass along to her peers.''

Typical answers

On a recent afternoon, eight girls and one guy stopped by the New
Options classroom, which is open for drop-ins every day after school.
They were unfamiliar with the recent national surveys but gave
predictable answers when asked some of the poll questions -- answers
that matched the results of the actual survey.

Their No. 1 source for information?

``Friends and school.''

Would they go talk to their mom first or a best friend if they found
out they were pregnant or had a sexually transmitted disease?

``Friend,'' said all but one student. But, they add, they would do so
to figure out what they were going to say to their parents.

At what age should parents first talk to their kids about
sex?

``Before middle school or younger.''

Michael Dominguez, 15, remembers having a sit-down, heart-to-heart
with his parents two years ago.

``Mostly, I listened,'' he says. Now he understands that they were
trying to convey their values about certain issues and that the talk
opened the door for him to approach them from time to time.

Mikayela Bocanegra, 17, says she's usually comfortable talking to her
mom about subjects like birth control.

``She says, `You know, you can talk to me about anything' so I do,''
says Mikayela, the youngest of three sisters and a brother. ``But my
dad -- that's different. It's sports and the community I talk to him
about.''

Queasiness common

Gloria Vasquez, Mikayela's mother, describes her daughter as
``outspoken and not afraid to tell me when she thinks I'm wrong.''

Even when her stomach does a little cartwheel during the talks,
Vasquez, 53, says she tries to continue listening without interrupting
or disagreeing.

``The important thing is not to overreact and to let the kids express
themselves,'' she says. ``I want her to have the right information,
especially because her friends sometimes ask for advice. So far, I've
found Mikayela to be smart with her decisions.''

Parents should never assume that their opinions don't count or that
they won't have influence just because their kids are now teens, says
Bill Albert, spokesman for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen
Pregnancy in Washington, D.C.

``Parents get frightened that they'll only have one conversation
(about tough issues) and once chance to get it right with their
children,'' he says. ``We're now way past the era of the 45-minute,
white-knuckle, get-it-over-with talk. Trust and closeness isn't
achieved that way, and without it, you'll never know if your kids are
participating in risky behavior.''