I'M WARNING YOU: ONE THING ALWAYS LEADS TO ANOTHER

I GOT some medicine for a queasy stomach the other day. The pharmacist
pointed out the small print that came with it. There were so many
potential side effects. One was that this stomach medicine could
seriously upset my stomach. I asked about this, but the pharmacist
shrugged. There is no medicine that does not come with a warning
anymore and the warning is of calamities far worse than the cure you
are seeking.

You buy something to grow hair and you read: ``Warning: Some users may
experience loss of feeling in their limbs. Thirty percent of users grow
hair only in their earlobes. Twenty percent of users go blind.''

How can you take any medicine anymore? You have to start figuring the
odds of survival.

Maybe it started with cigarettes. Cigarettes cause cancer, we are told
on the side of every pack. The type has gotten quite large, but
smokers still buy them. They have come to terms with the
percentages.

On the whole, I guess, we should be grateful for the benevolent
warnings. It all snuck up on me while I wasn't looking. But now I see
warnings almost everywhere I go.

On occasion, I note at the entrance to stores signs saying something
like: ``Warning. There are toxics in this store dangerous to pets,
pregnant women and cattle.'' I debate going in. But, what the heck. I
need the groceries.

THE signs are everywhere. We even have them at the Mercury News. Right
on the front door is this: ``Warning. This facility may contain
chemicals known to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive
harm.''

But I enter anyway, placing all my hope in the word ``may.'' And,
heck, we are not planning any more children.

(But I do worry. Maybe my upset stomach has been caused by Mercury
poisoning. Maybe I should carry a bird with me to work.)

I get in my car and there is a sign on my dashboard. Sitting too close
to the air-bags can cause serious chest damage. I move my seat back.
Now, I can't see over the hood.

Sometimes the warnings come full circle. Viagra, when it was first
sold was, I believe, a heart medicine, but had the unexpected side
effect of male genital arousal. Soon, the side effect was more in
demand than the heart medicine. So Viagra is now sold for male genital
arousal. Of course it can be dangerous to your heart, as sex sometimes
is. But try warning an impotent man enjoying his first erection in
decades.

Turned out that another heart medicine, Propecia, grew hair on those
who took it. So now it is a hair-growing medicine and I've already
covered all the dangers therein.

IT SEEMS to me that we might benefit if other products also came with
warnings about side effects. Take computers, for example.

They should have the notice: ``Warning. Can cause Year 2000 distress.
Possible side effects include the malfunction of everything and the
end of the world.''

Talk radio should carry the warning that it will make you
stupid.

Movies should carry the warning that they can make you oblivious to
violence, while previews will make you deaf.

Airlines should warn of noisy babies and sudden crashes.

Employers should warn employees that work can be excessively
stressful, leading in certain situations to unemployment.

Ministers should warn the couples they marry that marriage can lead to
divorce.

Parents should be warned that children can make you
poor.

Voters should be warned that elected officials can lead to
taxes.

Students should be warned that bachelor's degrees can lead to nothing
at all!

Then, folks, we can sit back, content to never leave the house. But be
careful. Most accidents happen in the home.

Reading Murry Frymer can lead to bruising, diarrhea, itching, nausea,
anxiety, constipation, drowsiness, painful erections, vomiting,
headache, heartburn, numbness and increased flow of breast milk. Send
your symptoms to 750 Ridder Park Drive, San Jose, Calif. 95190; e-mail
mfrymer@sjmercury.com .