PICKING UP THE PIECES

Ten years as a drug counsellor hardens the softest heart, watching
drug users and their parents engage in the dance of addiction, where
one step to the right brings renewed optimism, followed by two steps
to the left where despair inevitably lurks.

It is not easy to watch the child you have loved for so many years
change into a creature capable of the most hurtful behaviors and
thoughtlessness. Yet, parents know that their child still exists
somewhere within that neglected body, and every now and again, when
the addict is at their most vulnerable, that child will make a
re-appearance and plead for help.

It's difficult for a parent to refuse even a moment's reconnection,
but $30 later, their street persona has reappeared and they have
skipped out the door without a backward glance.

I thought that I had seen it all, well, at least heard about it, until
I was approached by an organisation called the Mirabel Foundation.

This organisation is being set up to cater for those children whose
parent's drug use renders them incapable of looking after them and
they must be placed in the care of relatives or fosterparents. In some
cases, this will be due to a fatal drug overdose.

Researching the needs of these children and the relatives that care
for them opened a new door for me about the far-reaching effects of
drug addiction.

As a worker in a rehab, I was familiar enough with the guilt and anger
of drug users who had lost their children to Protective Services
because they were considered unsuitable parents.

"I'm going to get my kids back by Christmas,'' one such woman told me
emphatically and I smiled sympathetically as my brain did a quick
inventory of her horrendous history of abuse and neglect. I returned
back to my note writing and realised she had made off with my liquid
paper for a quick, desperate sniff in the upstairs loo. As I climbed
the stairs to reclaim the bottle, I knew the reunion would be a long
time coming.

These parents live in a world of denial and false optimism, hoping
that one day "soon'' they will find the strength to give up drugs "for
the kids'', with only a small number succeeding. It's not that these
parents do not want to care for their children, or are not good
parents when drug-free; it's just that when in the throes of an
addiction, the demands of their drug habit come before anything else.

But I had never really thought much about the relatives. In most
cases, it is the grandparents who end up caring for these children.
What effect does it have on their life and what about the
circumstances that bring these children into their care? They all have
one feature in common: it is incredibly traumatic for all the parties
involved, especially the children, who have no understanding of the
complexity of addiction. The only thing they understand is that, for
whatever reason, mum or dad doesn't want them any more. Death of a
parent only confirms this.

Many of these grandparents have been looking after the child on and
off from birth. It is not uncommon for them to receive a phone call
saying "come and get the baby''. A couple of months later, this will
be followed by another call, "bring the baby back''.

One grandmother, Donna, told me of the heartbreak of having to hand
over a small infant to her daughter, who was living in a rooming house
with her partner. The conditions of the room were squalid and her
daughter didn't even throw the baby a glance, just ordered her mother
to place him on the bed and leave.

Donna says it was at this point she realised she had no legal rights
over the baby and no way to protect him from his mother. It only took
two days before she received the call to fetch him. Donna was so
concerned by the state of the baby, she headed straight to a
child-care nurse, who suggested she consult a lawyer. Within a day,
Donna had won temporary custody of her grandchild.

Other grandparents inherit the care of their grandchild after the
death of their own child due to drugs. In the throes of tremendous
grief, they have to wade through bureaucracies such as the Family Law
Court and Centrelink while organising the funeral. The stress of
catering to the needs of grieving children while dealing with their
own feelings is overwhelming, and other members of the family -
usually the drug-user's siblings - are called on to help. As one
grandparent explained, this also had the effect of bringing to the
fore her other children's long-held resentments of how their errant
sister can still dominate their mother's attentions, even in death.

These grandparents' lives are turned upside down overnight. They are
hurled back to a much earlier life stage dominated by the care of
children. The ages of the carers I spoke to ranged from the late 40s
to the early 70s, an age when people have already retired, or are
contemplating it. Their funds to care for these children are often
limited and the financial burden ruins any plans they had for a modest
retirement. Often one grandparent is forced to take on a second job,
or delay their retirement for another few years.

These grandparents find themselves socially isolated, due to the
different lifestyle they now have from their own friends, and find it
hard to cope with the energy levels and financial demands of these
children on a daily basis. This can take a toll on their marriage, or
if the grandparent is single, greatly reduce their opportunities to
form a new relationship.

One way or another, their decision to take on these children extracts
a high price, although as many grandparents pointed out, they still
derive much pleasure from the presence of these children. Of great
concern to them is the future of their grandchildren when they die.

These children often have special needs that make parenting more
difficult. Children who have been with their relatives in a stable
environment from infancy appear more stable and resilient than those
who have lived with their drug-using parent for some years beforehand.
Kids often blame themselves for their parent's inability to care for
them and it is common for them to take on a protective or caring role
beyond their years, in an effort to win the parent's affections.

Some children actually witness the death of their parent due to an
overdose. In one case, the same children watched both their parents
die some years apart. That's a lot for a child to cope with and leaves
deep scars on their psyche. This can result in insecurity that shows
itself through clingy and demanding behaviors, and many of these
children have problems trusting people.

Some grandparents identified adolescence as the time when the
children's suppressed anger and angst would be acted out.

A heart-wrenching admission made by some of these grandparents was
that life became easier for them and their grandchildren after the
death of the caretaking parent; their own child. They explained that
although the parents loved their offspring, their behavior was
inconsistent and unreliable, leaving the children confused and
distressed when promises were broken. These grandparents said the
grief of helplessly watching their own children's slow destruction was
overwhelming and exhausting. Once they had died, they could at least
get on with the job of providing their grandchildren with a stable
environment without interruption.

For the grandparents who live in hope that their own child will "come
to their senses'' and resume their parental responsibilities, it can
be a long wait that consists of renewed optimism when the parent
appears to be back to normal again, only to have their hopes dashed
when they resume using. Most of these grandparents would happily hand
the children back to the parents, but only if they are convinced they
are going to a safe environment.

There are no winners within the families of drug users. The parents of
these kids are left with the guilt and heartbreak of not being able to
care for their own children, the children are left confused and
distressed at the separation from their parents and the grandparents
are left to pick up the pieces of these unhappy lives. As one
grandmother commented, she sometimes looks at her grandchild and asks
herself: "What if she goes wrong, too?''