KIDS AND DRUGS

Parents must work hard to keep communication open, counselors say

WHEN Richard Cameron talks to parents and students in San Mateo County
schools about drugs and alcohol, the veteran family counselor delivers one
central message about substance abuse -- communicate.

It is direct, maybe even a little obvious. But a quarter century after
teenage drug use began grabbing headlines and prompting talk of a national
crisis, counselors say the message is being lost on parents still
uncomfortable talking to their children.

"We've got a lot of parents out there who are dropping the ball," warns
Dona Carmack, a registered nurse and health teacher at Burlingame High
School who has been talking to students about drugs for nearly two decades.

"Parents have got to educate their children," she says.

Talking about drugs and knowing what to do when a son or daughter starts
showing signs of a problem is not easy, Carmack and others acknowledge.
Many parents don't understand today's drugs. Many are fighting their own
problems. And, Cameron notes, parents and teenagers on average spend less
than 15 minutes a day talking to each other.

But Cameron and others say there are some relatively simple steps parents
can take to help their children navigate through a world where drugs and
alcohol are readily available.

Learn about the issue.

Most schools require students to take classes that address drug and alcohol
abuse, but the information often doesn't get through to parents, counselors
say.

Drug use today is very different from 20 or 30 years ago, professionals
say. More drugs are available to teens, they are more potent and more
easily accessible.

"Your kids are not smoking the same stuff that was being smoked at
Woodstock," said Cameron, noting that the marijuana on the market today is
many times stronger.

Surveys show that more than 80 percent of high school seniors have used
alcohol and half report having tried marijuana. Far fewer teenagers are
regular users of alcohol and illegal drugs, and professionals caution
against hysteria.

But many say parents must realize their children will be exposed to drugs
when they are as young as 13.

"Drugs are everywhere," said Linda Miller, program director of New
Outlooks, a Mountain View school for teens with substance abuse problems.
"They are available at all the schools. Your children will see them. It's
going to happen. . . . It does no good to try to deny this."

But unless parents understand the issues, counselors say, they will not be
able to talk to their children. Most schools and local drug and alcohol
resource centers can provide useful information.

Talk to your kids.

With an understanding of the issue, parents must begin talking to their
children early, counselors say. "The time to talk is not when Johnny is
18," Carmack said. "It's in middle school."

But Carmack and others warn parents to be careful about how these
conversations start. "The message has to come out of true concern," Miller
said. "Don't accuse. Don't blame. Don't be judgmental."

Most young people want to be able to talk to their parents, but if they
sense that parents don't understand or respect the difficult choices
confronting young people, teenagers will look elsewhere. And parents will
lose the opportunity.

"Kids can be difficult," Carmack said. "But usually, if the conversation
comes from a very caring family member, they're going to listen."

Be ready to act.

Even with the best communication, however, teenagers may experiment with
drugs and alcohol, and professionals advise parents to learn how to tell
when an experiment crosses the line.

The signs are basic: a personality change, frequent mood shifts, declining
interest in school and other activities, truancy.

For many parents, such behavior can be confusing and frightening. But
counselors stress that parents must be prepared to face a problem honestly
and address it quickly.

"Parents will discount the behavior as just normal adolescent acting-out,"
said Linda Clevinger, program director of Thunder Road in San Jose, a
treatment center for teens.

Clevinger warns this can be dangerous. "It's unfortunate," she said.
"Sometimes parents will wait until things are really troublesome before
they decide to do anything. By that time, it can be too late."

Counselors advise parents to confront their children if they suspect drug
or alcohol abuse, always remembering to talk reasonably and lovingly. If
confrontation fails, however, parents must be prepared to reach out for help.

It may not be easy, professionals say. "There is still a lot of shame
associated with this," said Pat Cameron, assessment director at Sequoia
Alcohol and Drug Recovery Center in Redwood City. "There is an impulse to
try to control the situation yourself."

Counselors talk of desperate parents who send their addicted children to
live out of state, hoping that will cut the children off from the source of
the problems. These efforts rarely succeed, professionals say.

"Sometimes the quickest way to address a problem is to seek professional
help," Cameron said.

Cameron and others advise parents to ask a family doctor or a school
counselor for local centers that work with addicted young people. Make some
calls, counselors say, and choose a place that feels comfortable. Many
offer free assessments for families.

"Don't wait until it's too late," Clevinger said.