'WHAT IFS' HAUNT MOTHER AFTER DEATH OF DAUGHTER, 15

* "She just slipped through my fingers," says the mother of the teen,
who, apparently high on LSD, threw herself off a bridge

If only she had taken another road.

Maybe if she had driven straight to the clinic instead of stopping at
home first.

What if her daughter's shirt hadn't torn, breaking the girl free from
her mother's white-knuckled grasp?

Vicki Lynn Bakke has persecuted herself with questions,
second-guessing every detail and decision that led to her child's
horrific death Sunday.

Bakke and her 15-year-old daughter, Kimberly Christine Roca, were on
their way to enroll the girl in a drug treatment program when the
teen-ager, apparently high on LSD, jumped out of Bakke's car and threw
herself off the top deck of the Marquam Bridge in downtown Portland.

"We got to the bridge, and Kim was looking out at the water," Bakke
said. "Then all of a sudden, she opened the door. I slammed on the
brakes. I was screaming, 'Kim, no! Kim, no!' I was pulling at her
clothes to keep her in the car, but they were ripping. She just
slipped through my fingers."

Toxicology tests are pending, but Bakke thinks LSD triggered her
daughter's actions. Her death was ruled a drowning.

Bakke hopes that talking about the experience will alert other parents
to the dangers of acid.

According to a 1998 study, LSD was one of the most-used drugs among
Oregon 11th graders, falling behind alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes and
inhalants.

Because the hallucinogen is so closely identified with the hippie
culture of the 1960s, LSD often falls beyond the radar screens of
today's parents, experts said.

"I think we've forgotten its dangers," said Dr. Dale Walker, chairman
of the Oregon Health Sciences University Department of Psychiatry.
"LSD users are often motivated to do dangerous things -- in this case,
jumping off of a bridge -- for what they perceive to be logical
reasons. That's why LSD is a remarkably dangerous drug."

Because LSD affects the emotional center in the brain and distorts
reality, a user -- particularly a first-time user -- is subject to the
extremes of euphoria and panic. The drug also can trigger feelings of
grandeur that lead to dangerous behaviors.

Bakke thinks her daughter might have become fixated on the water as
they drove across the bridge. The drug, Bakke said, might have
compelled her to jump without thinking. There was no indication Kim
had contemplated suicide or had attempted to end her life before.

In 1996, more than 14 percent of high school juniors in Oregon
reported having used the drug, according to the Northwest Professional
Consortium.

LSD is dissolved in alcohol, and drops of the solution are put on
blotter paper or in a sugar cube then chewed or swallowed, making it
easy for novice drug users to consume. It also has been put into
microdots, or tiny squares of gelatin. To reach younger buyers,
illegal manufacturers even print cartoon characters and colorful
symbols on the blotter paper.

Known as "acid," "tabs," "doses," "trips," "hits" and "sugar cubes,"
LSD appeals to many teens because it is cheap and easy to hide, Walker
said. It has less-detectable physical symptoms than alcohol or pot and
is inexpensive at $1 to $5 a hit.

Bakke said she had learned of her daughter's acid use the night before
her death. Kim had acted "happier and more awake" recently, but her
mother said she mistook what she now thinks were the effects of the
drug for "a good mood."

"I thought she was just starting to feel better about things in her
life," said Bakke, who was divorced from Kim's father within the past
three years. He did not respond to interview requests.

The tragedy began to unfold rapidly Saturday night, when family
friends in Beaverton told Bakke they suspected that her daughter was
high on LSD. The girl stayed overnight at the friends' home "because I
thought it would be a safe place for her," Bakke said.

Sunday morning, Bakke drove from her Northeast Portland home to pick
up her daughter. On the way back to Portland, the two talked about Kim
entering drug treatment, or at least getting evaluated that morning
for substance abuse, Bakke said.

"She was very compliant and agreeable," Bakke said. "She said, 'Yeah.
This is bad stuff.' " But when Bakke asked the girl where she had
gotten the drugs, Kim abruptly jumped out of the car without saying a
word.

Bakke doesn't think it was the question that upset her
daughter.

"It seemed like she was thinking reasonably, and then all of a sudden
it was like the drug took her," Bakke said.

Kim, who wore a nose ring and liked to dress in dark clothing, had
experimented with marijuana, her mother said. The girl had been
suspended last year from an Aloha high school after being caught with
pot. Bakke said she discouraged the pot use, but Kim brushed off
warnings by arguing that marijuana should be legalized.

Kim decided not to return to school after her suspension and enrolled
in correspondence classes. She maintained a B-minus average, her
mother said.

Bakke, who works at a local hospital, said she was concerned about how
her daughter spent her free time. But Kim assured her she was OK.
After her studies, Kim rode the bus to see friends, shopped for beads
and other trinkets, and read New Age books.

Kim told her mother she wanted to go into alternative medicine. A
brochure about Portland Community College lay on the family's coffee
table this week as a testimony to the girl's plans.

Bakke, meanwhile, is left agonizing about whether she could have saved
her daughter.

At one point during the drive last weekend, Bakke said Kim spotted a
Kaiser Permanente clinic and said, "Mom, that's the exit."

"I was just about to turn, and then I thought I should first call the
advice nurse from home," Bakke said, "and see if that was the right
place to take her (for drug treatment).

"Oh, if I could only have that one second back right now. That one
second to make that turn, and maybe she would still be here."

You can reach Michelle Roberts at 294-5041 or by e-mail at
Michelleroberts@news.oregonian.com.

[sidebar:]

Spotting drug use

Often the clues of drug use among adolescents are subtle. Because mood
swings and unpredictable behavior are frequent for preteens and
teen-agers, parents might find it difficult to spot the signs.

The following describe possible changes. Isolated occurrences might
not be reason to panic, but if you see several, consider them warning
signs and seek professional help.

Physical Symptoms

* Acting intoxicated

* Bloodshot or red eyes, droopy eyelids

* Runny nose without a cold

* Imprecise eye movement

* Abnormally pale complexion

* Increase in illnesses

* Change in speech and vocabulary patterns

* Repressed physical development

* Sudden appetite, especially for sweets

* Unexplained weight loss or loss of appetite

* Neglect of personal appearance, grooming, hygiene

* Upper respiratory infections, frequent coughs

* Chest pains

Behavior changes

* Change in friends and unwillingness to introduce friends to
family

* Frequently breaking curfew

* Unexplained moodiness, depression, anxiety or irritability

* Strongly inappropriate overreaction to mild criticism or simple
requests

* Decreased interaction and communication with others

* Increased conflict with family

* Preoccupation with self

* Loss of interest in previously important things

* Increased need for money

* Lethargy

* Loss of ability to assume responsibility

* Need for instant gratification

* Change in values, ideals, beliefs

* Evidence of secretive or sneaky behavior

Where to call for help

* The Regional Drug Initiative 503-294-7074.

* Multnomah County Central Intake Services Alcohol and Drug Referral
line 248-3141

* Oregon Partnership's 24-hour toll-free Helpline 800-923-HELP.

* De Paul Treatment Centers Inc. Adolescent Program (12- to
17-year-olds) 287-7026

* Oregon Health Sciences University addiction treatment and training
center 494-4745

Source: Portland Public Schools Prevention Program