YOUR SON'S ON DRUGS? DON'T PANIC

Anger, disappointment, public humiliation - there is no 'right' way to react
when children try drugs, finds JUDITH WOODS

AS dressing-downs go, the roasting Tom Parker Bowles received following the
disclosure that he is a user of cocaine was embarrassingly public. But then,
when your godfather is heir to the throne and your mother his consort, you
cannot expect any favours from the tabloid press.

Reaction to the 24-year-old's drugs misdemeanour is reminiscent of the
uproar surrounding Home Secretary Jack Straw's son, William, who was caught
supplying drugs to an undercover reporter two years ago. This is not,
however, the first time that Parker Bowles has been caught using illegal
substances: while he was a student at Oxford, he was cautioned for
possession of cannabis and ecstasy.

Given the number of column inches currently dedicated to his recreational
activities, he may well manage to keep his nose out of trouble in future.
But there are plenty of other young people, with similar advantages and
education, who will be doing exactly as he did at parties and in clubs
tonight.

Research carried out last year revealed that middle-class children are
almost twice as likely to use illegal drugs as those from lower social
classes. Social scientists at Glasgow University discovered that, among
middle-class 11 and 12-year-olds, up to one in seven has experimented with
drugs such as cannabis and cocaine. Nationally, 10 per cent of children have
tried drugs before the age of 13.

One parent from west London, who does not wish to be named, says her
response to news of young people caught drug-taking is a shudder. She
discovered her 17-year-old son had been smoking cannabis when he was 15.

"My son had a few friends round and a telephone conversation one of them had
was inadvertently recorded on the answering machine. It was clear they were
all completely bombed out. My husband and I were more disappointed than
angry, and confronted him."

It was made clear to her son that drugs would not be tolerated in the house.
Subsequently, his mother found no actual substances, but circumstantial
evidence led her to believe he was using cannabis outside the home. However,
accusations would always be met with vehement denials.

"I know he continued to smoke after that, because in his bedroom I would
find the little clear plastic bags that cannabis is sold in."

She knows her son has taken ecstasy, because he has admitted as much. His
school work deteriorated when he smoked cannabis regularly, but has now
improved, so she believes his claims that he has stopped using it. Even so,
she suspects he may still be experimenting with other drugs.

Caroline Noortman, who runs the London Lecture Group, organises drug
awareness conferences for the parents of children in fee-paying schools. She
is pressing for drugs education to be a mandatory part of the public school
education system, as it is in the state sector.

In March, a drugs seminar at Westminster School was attended by 500 parents,
and was so oversubscribed that a second event is being held this

week. According to Noortman, parents need to be properly informed about
drugs and their effects, so that they can advance reasoned arguments.

"The worst thing is a parent finding evidence of cannabis, flying into a
panic and shrieking, 'Oh my God, you're a drug addict and you're going to
die!' " says Noortman.

"The child knows that won't happen and just stops listening altogether. As
parents, you have got to face up to the fact that the drug culture exists
and try to inform children of the facts before they reach adolescence - when
you still have a parental grip on them."

Nowadays, cocaine use among the young, affluent middle classes is fairly
commonplace. At some metropolitan house parties, lighting up a cigarette is
more likely to unleash opprobrium than snorting a line discreetly in the
bathroom. For the majority of people, the facts speak for themselves; it is
entirely possible to hold down a job and take drugs on a "recreational"
basis - at least in the short term.

Attempting to lecture young people on their own mortality will always be a
Sisyphean task. It is only when friends or family are stricken that the
darker consequences of drug-taking hit home.

Barbara Sorensen was told by doctors that her son Nicolay would be dead by
the time he was 21, unless he stopped drinking and taking cocktails of
drugs. Her other son, Johan, also took drugs, but was primarily an
alcoholic. Both conditions, she believes, were inherited.

Despite an atmosphere of open communication at home, and early discussion of
the dangers of addiction, by the time he was in his late teens, Nicolay had
become so alienated from the family that his mother threw him out of their
house, in Farnham, Surrey. She refused to have him back until he agreed to
treatment.

"People who are not addicted and who are publicly caught taking drugs, such
as Tom Parker Bowles, will almost certainly stop," says Sorensen, who works
as an addictions counsellor. "But a few people - maybe one in 10 - can't
stop."

Nicolay, 22, and later Johan, 24, both underwent treatment for their
addictions. Sorensen says that, thanks to her training, she recognised the
signs of addiction in her sons, but felt it best to bide her time until a
crisis point. For other parents, however, the discovery often comes like a
bolt from the blue.

Geoffrey Davies's son, Philip, died in March 1996 at the age of 21 after
taking an overdose of heroin. Before his death, he had been a user of
cocaine, ecstasy and amphetamines. Yet his parents had no idea that their
son, who was studying law at Birmingham University, took drugs.

Davies, who lives in Hatch End, Middlesex, says Philip and his middle-class
friends were a far cry from the stereotype of low-achieving drop-outs. After
Philip's death, some of his fellow students tried to pretend it was alcohol
that killed their friend.

"They were anxious about their own positions and they also felt they were
part of a sub-culture of 'responsible' drug users. They felt they could
handle it, and I suppose for some of them that was true. Philip was
unlucky."

Philip's supplier was one of his best friends, Alex Johnson, who was jailed
for five years. He has just been released.

"Before Philip died, I wasn't particularly anti drugs. Now, when I read
headlines about drug-taking, I feel sadness on a personal level but also
anger at a society that tolerates drugs."

The Promis Recovery Centre in London treats those who are addicted to drugs,
alcohol and gambling, as well as sufferers of eating disorders. It was set
up by Dr Robert le Fevre and his wife Margaret and, in the past 14 years,
has treated more than 2,000 patients.

In a grim irony, the le Fevres' son Robin, 32, succumbed to a drug addiction
in his teens - and his parents failed to notice. His brother alerted them.

"Henry said: 'Robin's got a problem', and I said 'He can't possibly have'.
Even with my background, I still couldn't see it; this is what is so crucial
for people to understand.

"Robin's use of cannabis, cocaine and alcohol was quite clearly out of
control. We said to him he could only live in our home if he was drug free.
His response was to say: 'I'm an orphan'. An addict will put drugs before
family."

His parents let him go. He returned six months later, ready to receive
treatment; he now works alongside his parents.

"You have to take the risk," says le Fevre. "It was only by talking to other
parents in the same position that we realised we'd done the best we could.

"There's a saying: there are 101 ways to bring up children, and all of them
are wrong."