TALES OF ADDICTION

Family Involvement Often The Key To Helping Addicts To Sobriety

Addiction's Power Proved Too Much To Overcome

'i Knew It Was Drugs'

From Our On-line Readers

Where To Get Help

From an early age, children are warned about the dangers of using drugs.

From "Just say no" to commercials likening a frying egg to a brain on
drugs, there is no shortage of anti-drug messages.

But day after day, year after year -- despite myriad laws, statistics,
slogans and education efforts -- too many people find their way to drugs,
and addiction soon finds its way to them.

Over the past several months, The Standard-Times has taken a closer look at
the drug problems that plague the SouthCoast community in the "Rush to
Nowhere" series.

During that time, many readers have taken the time to share their stories
about how addiction has affected their lives. Many of those readers
attached their names to their tales; others asked that their names not be
printed -- but it didn't make their stories any less powerful.

Today, The Standard-Times presents more personal stories of how drugs have
affected -- and sometimes shattered -- the lives of addicts and their
families.

Family Involvement Often The Key To Helping Addicts To Sobriety

By Polly Saltonstall, Standard-Times staff writer

Drug counselors and out-reach workers target current and recovering drug
addicts for intervention, but often those users' families also are in need
of help.

Getting families involved in the process can be just as hard, if not
harder, than reaching out to the actual addict, counselors say. But it's
important because family involvement often is key to recovery.

"It's a major issue," says Carl Alves, director of Positive Action Against
Chemical Addiction, a support group sponsored by the New Bedford Prevention
Partnership. "Addiction is a family disease. But it's really difficult for
families to realize that."

Family members need counseling on two levels; personal healing and in order
to learn how to respond to their loved one.

Often spouses or parents of addicts may be suffering from depression or
anxiety as a result of living with a user, says Richard Lewis, coordinator
for Child and Family Services of New Bedford's addiction treatment program.

"They have been pulled through so many ups and downs and may have been
pulled into the blame game," says Mr. Lewis, who is a licensed mental
health counselor and certified addiction specialist.

"They may end up feeling responsible. Many times people in these situations
need to seek counseling not only to help the person they love, but to deal
with the unhealthy coping mechanisms that they themselves have developed."

Families also need outside support to learn how to stop behavior that may
be enabling a loved one's addiction. This can involve learning tough love
- -- how to care for someone and at the same time be firm and set limits, Mr.
Lewis says.

One of Mr. Lewis' patients lives with his parents who let him use drugs at
home because they think if they kick him out he may die on the street.

"I tell them if he overdoses in your house you are going to feel just as
guilty," he says. "They don't realize that setting loving and firm
boundaries is a gift of love to their children."

At Adcare, a private outpatient substance abuse counseling service,
outpatient care director David McGowan says families that go into recovery
together tend to be much more successful at overcoming addiction.

Some families go into denial, refusing to acknowledge that one their own
could fall to such levels. Others want help, but are afraid to reach out
because of the perceived stigma of drug-addiction, particularly heroin use,
Mr. Alves said.

Often the higher the family's social status and educational level, the
bigger the wall of denial, other counselors say.

"What I've found works best is when people get honest and tell another
person," says Mr. Alves. "What the public can do is be more supportive."

Sometimes families want to be involved but treatment providers cannot talk
to them because of patient confidentiality issues, said Nancy Paull,
executive director of the Stanley Street Treatment Resource Center in Fall
River.

"Families may be very upset and want information but we're not allowed to
give it," she says.

At the Gifford Street methadone Clinic in New Bedford, counselors encourage
clients to get their families involved. But often patients do not think
their families will understand, particularly if that person already has
been in and out of detox more than once, says the clinic's nurse manager
Sharon Morello.

Mr. Alves tells family members to educate themselves about addiction and to
build up a support network.

"The more information they gain, the better educated they get, then the
further along they will go in terms of healing," Mr. Alves said. "The
difficult thing is getting people to use the services because of the
stigma, because of not wanting to be seen, not wanting to be isolated. The
irony is that these are many of the same feelings the addict has."

Currently, few agencies offer support groups for families. Most refer
people to Al-Anon. But both Mr. Alves, and John Jackson, the director of
Child and Family Services of New Bedford, said they would be willing to
start such groups if people expressed an interest.

Addiction's Power Proved Too Much To Overcome

On July 17, 1994, we discovered that our oldest son was addicted to heroin.
He was 25 years old, a "functioning addict" who had been able to hide his
addiction from us and most of his friends. We only found out about his
addiction because a parent of one of his friends called us -- a difficult
and brave thing to do.

Our son grew up in a close-knit family with a younger brother and parents
who are both well-educated professionals. We were involved in all aspects
of his life -- school, various sports, many family trips and religious
training. We loved and cherished him. We also believe we had open
communication with him. We often talked together, for example, about the
dangers of drugs and alcohol.

Our son graduated from college in four years and earned a master's degree
two years later. He worked tirelessly in fields connected with social
justice and wanted to make a difference. He was especially interested in
making the world better for those less fortunate than he was.

When we discovered that he suffered from drug addiction, we were shocked,
horrified and frightened. For us, it was unknown territory. What should we
do? What if he refuses our help? Can we stop this addiction? What if he dies?

Perhaps we had been fooled by a naive belief that this couldn't happen to
families like ours. But it does, of course. In all kinds of families, on
every street, in every city and in every town.

As soon as we realized our son was addicted, we took action and began the
greatest battle of our lives. We had the advantage of knowing how to work
the system. We hoped that at least that would help.

We contacted people all around the country who were knowledgeable about
drug addiction. And as the time evolved it seemed as if we were learning
more and more, but we were also caught in one nightmare after another.
After extensive arguments with the health insurance people, for example,
and then only after help from medical doctors, political advocates and
senators' representatives, our son was placed for a month in one of the
leading rehab centers in the country and then in a halfway house. We have
no doubt that he wanted to be cured of his addiction, and we wanted to help
in any way we could. And we believed that this would help.

Our son worked very hard at it. But the addiction was powerful, as it too
often is, and despite our son's best efforts (and they were considerable),
he started a series of relapses and admissions to one program after another.

In August of 1995, he had successfully completed a six-month program in a
halfway house. We visited him there and he finally seemed to be the vital,
intelligent lover of life we had once known. We believed that he had
finally beaten the demon of the addiction and that the nightmare might very
well be over.

A week after he left the halfway house, he was given heroin by a drug
dealer who had targeted him as a recovering addict. Our son died of an
overdose on Aug. 20, 1995. He was 26 years old and had so much more of his
life to live. He was a remarkable person with an insidious disease. He
battled to overcome this horror, but it was an extraordinarily difficult
fight.

We would have done anything to help him, and we know he tried so hard to
help himself. It was not the weakness of will nor a breakdown in morality
that finally killed our son, but the insidious nature of drug addiction
itself, the physical call of the body, the dealers on the streets.

Every day now we feel the horror and sadness of losing a child, and our
younger son suffers every day from the loss of his beloved brother. Our
lives will never be the same and the hole in our hearts will never heal.

People refer to addicts as "them" and "bad" and "useless." Our son was none
of these, and we should all understand that each addict is someone's son or
daughter. Our son was bright and kind, hardworking and good. He was an
integral part of our family and an important member of society. In his
short life, he made a significant contribution helping others. Our family
suffered and so did he. He is at peace, but we are not. Nor will we ever be.

Major research needs to be done to find the roots of addiction. Money must
be given to this research just as it is given to research for any other
disease. We need to study alternative methods being used successfully in
other countries, and we need to focus on cures.

Addicts need treatment, not prison. They need patience not neglect. They
need love, not punishment. Addicts need, in other words, much of what we
all need. They need to be thought of as human beings who are struggling
with a terrible nightmare. Maybe then we can find a better way to help both
the addicts and their families.

'I Knew It Was Drugs'

Editor's note: Nicole Berube, 14, is in the eighth grade at Kuss Middle
School in Fall River. She wrote this essay after her mother died as a
result of an overdose of cocaine.

It was the day before Halloween and I couldn't wait until that day was
over. It was Friday and I was going to dress up for school but I figured we
couldn't. So fourth period I had art and I had Mrs. Shea paint my face to
look like a freaky version of the "Crow."

That night I went to Brooks with my friend Rachael to get makeup for the
next night. I ended up sleeping over at her house. I had left her house
early Halloween morning. During the day, I ended up going to my
grandmother's house because my dad and stepmom wanted to go out for a
little while.

My dad came to pick me up at about 4:30. When he came upstairs he was on
his cell phone, but I figured that he was talking to one of his friends.
Then he started talking about my mom and my other grandmother, but of
course I didn't think anything of it. Actually, I really wasn't even paying
attention. Next thing you know, my dad and my grandmother went in the other
room to talk.

Then when they came back my dad just told me that I was staying for a
little while longer, but I didn't really mind. As soon as he left, my
grandmother sat me down and told me that she needed to tell me something. I
asked her if it was something about my mother. She said yes. My eyes
started to water and I said, "Is she dead?"

She just nodded her head yes. I started bawling and just couldn't stop. I
cried for about an hour straight until I could finally stop for a minute. I
went home about an hour later and (stayed) home all night. My night was
ruined.

As soon as my grandmother told me that my mom had passed away, I knew it
was drugs. My mom and I were never close at all and I guess that was
because my parents divorced when I was very young and after that I hardly
ever saw her. Even though she had visitation rights, she never kept them.

My mom and I had our disagreements and at some points I had wished she
would die and that was because she was always ill, but I never actually
thought it would happen. Especially at the age of 36. It was either her
asthma or the drugs she was taking.

I hope this story changes your perspective of drugs because it certainly
changed mine. After hearing this true story, I hope you all out there make
the right choices about drugs.

From Our On-Line Readers

My name is Tim, I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I came to New Bedford a
little over a year ago after spending five days in the psychiatric ward of
Baystate Medical Center and 17 days at Adcare hospital in Worchester.

I am proud to say I just celebrated one year clean and sober, thanks to the
fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

Speaking for myself, I started out having fun with alcohol in High School
and functioned successfully for many years. However, as my alcoholism
progressed, it led me to seek a means to get higher, quicker. That led me
to crack cocaine. After four years, I became morally, spiritually and
financial bankrupt. Having what I perceived as no alternative, I tried to
commit suicide. By the grace of God, I was found in time by my brother who
took me to the hospital where I began to get help.

Life means so much more to me today as I am free from my addictions. The
things I used to take for granted I now find precious.

If you think you may have a problem with alcohol and/or drugs-you probably
do. I urge you to do yourself a favor and see what AA and NA are all about.

I guarantee you will be welcomed.

When I saw this topic I felt compelled to respond because it is a subject I
deal with on a daily basis. Eight years ago the Department of Social
Services came to my home and removed my sons, then 6, 10 and 14, from my
custody. I had been neglecting them because of my drug and alcohol
addiction and my family felt it was time for some intervention.

I was angry at the time and could not see ever forgiving my family.

I now realize that if it weren't for the love my family felt for me and how
they chose the "tough love" approach with me to get me to realize I had a
problem I would not be here today. I did enter a Rehab hospital and began
my long journey (which I know now is life long) of recovery.

I will be celebrating seven years of remaining abstinent from drugs and
alcohol this August. My sons have been back in my life for the last six
years. I have gotten a GED, graduated from Bristol Community College and am
now an Administrative Assistant to the Dean at one of the largest
universities in Massachusetts, and most importantly I have not only respect
from my family and friends, but for myself!

I tell my story whenever the opportunity arises, because the old myth that
"once a junkie, always a junkie" is no longer valid. If a 30-something year
old single mother who had no hope of ever getting out of the clutches of
addiction and poverty can do it, any one can!

Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

WHERE TO GET HELP

Families seeking more informaiton about addiction can find help from a
number of local agencies. Some numbers to call include:

The New Bedford Prevention Partnership's 24-hour help line: 979-1606

Al-Anon: 781-843-5300

Adcare: 999-1102

Child and Family Services of New Bedford: 996-8572

Narcotics Anonymous: 617-884-7709