FANTASY LAND IN QUEBEC - AND ELSEWHERE

QUEEN'S COUNTY, N.B. - While we're waiting for the final communique to
come down from Mount Olympus, someone in the typing business should
move a vote of appreciation to our dear leaders from the provinces for
relieving the summer news draught.

Journalists can be heard complaining of the great summer dearth from
the decks of their sailing vessels, the captain's cabin aboard their
cruisers, from dockside by their cottages, and from the 19th hole at
the Royal Ottawa. It's been hell. As I write this, a fax has reached
me from one of my favourite dailies; Its message is ``Help!''

But the premiers' conference, while faithful to the genre, is not that
uninteresting. Not enough thought has been given, thus far, to the
fact that two of the provincial premiers present were born in other
provinces. Pat Binns, the Prince Edward Island premier, was born in
Saskatchewan, and educated in Alberta; Bernard Lord, New Brunswick's
new premier, was born in Quebec. There was a similar pair in the
1970s, Wacky Bennett, premier of British Columbia, an Albert County,
New Brunswick boy, and the premier of Saskatchewn, Allan Blakeney, who
hailed from Bridgewater, Nova Scotia.

Someone could write a feature piece about the lack of a brain drain of
politicians in Canada - they don't move south, they move from
side-to-side. Probably you could get an interesting quote or two from
historian Michael Bliss on this.

The knowledge of two Quebecers at the head table at the premiers'
conference should be an inspiration for conspiracy buffs. Bear in
mind, while working on this, that the Prime Minister is also from
Quebec, which means someone will have to count the silver after the
next First Ministers meeting in Ottawa.

Another idea I had, rising out of the premiers' conference this week
in Quebec City, is that it should be privatized.

With proper marketing and efficient management, these meetings could
become a big tourist attraction as well as providing an example to the
world that our leaders are intellectually on the cutting edge of
advanced thought and theory.

I really believe people would come a long way to hear Mike Harris and
Lucien Bouchard explain how revenues can be increased by reducing
taxes whilst putting more money into health care and education and
paying down the debt.

This could mark the return of big-L Liberalism - not just little
something for nothing but a lot more of nothing. You could franchise
this operation and keep it on the road, like those motel syposiums:
``How I made millions in real estate without borrowing a dime and now
live in Palm Springs, when I'm not in Maui.''

An added attraction would be a tableau depicting the conversion of
Lucien Bouchard from being a raving environmentalist to becoming a
devoted Reaganaut and disciple of the premier of Ontario. You think
folks wouldn't line up for that?

Not to go on about this, but enough to say that if privatization could
do for the premiers' conference what it has done for Air Canada, CN,
and the Anglican Church, we would all be better off.

Because of the importance of the premiers' conference, it has been
necessary to overlook other breaking stories owing to the pressures of
covering breaking news of ideological contortions and acrobatic
economics coming out of Quebec city. One of the big stories broke in
my morning paper and relates to the unusual dry spell we have had this
summer. (It rained on Monday here, the first day in memory since April.)

It turns out the drought was bad for field berries but great for the
marijuana crop - ``ideal,'' reported my morning paper, ``for a bumper
crop.'' The bad news is - no surprise here - those familiar spoil sports,
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, have been searching and seizing and
putting the crop to torch. Question: While the stuff is burning, do the
Mounties inhale?

One of the ironies in these proceedings is that the police are being
assisted in their search by man's best friend - the dog. More than a
thousand plants have been discovered growing on Grand Manan Island
alone, which suggests prospects for a long winter.

Last spring, the provincial (Liberal) government held a conference in
Bathurst, which is about as far north in New Brunswick as one can
travel without a dog team. The conference theme was rural life in
modern times and how to make it better. I spoke at breakfast and
addressed the fact that the family farm was becoming extinct, the tide
was running out on the fishery, and called for crop diversification in
agriculture: Grow more marijuana, I said.

Looking at the stuff being seized by the cops, it does appear a lot of
my rural compatriots took my advice, even though my speech was not
reported in the press, owing - I suspect - to the suspicion of
provincial editors who may believe marijuana is a killer weed. In
truth, there are more kids on Ritalin - or graduate to Prozac - these
days than will have an experience with pot. But our legislators lack
the courage to face the reality of social, non-addictive drugs while
consenting to the continuing legal drugging of school children in the
interest of keeping the peace at home and in the classroom.

You have a problem? Mike Harris is a problem. His tax cut proposal was
mischievous, irrelevant, and self-serving. It converted the conference
of premiers into a sleepover. Next year, Harris should visit Disney
World and allow the premiers to consult sensibly and constructively
over matters they can do something about.