TALKING DOPE WITH THE PRESIDENT

This summer I was called to the White House to fulfill an important mission.
The president met me on the White House lawn. We greeted each other, and
then he said, "Jeff, do you remember all those anti-drug commercials we ran
a couple of years ago? Where the kid got stoned and then shot his friend? Or
where buying weed was supposed to support terrorism?"

"Darn tootin' I remember 'em," I replied. "They were the stupidest
thing I've ever seen."

"A lot of other people thought so too," replied the president. "That's
why we're planning a new series of anti-drug commercials. And I'm
hoping you'll be willing to watch a few of 'em, and give us your opinion."

"How could I judge these commercials?" I asked. "I don't know anything
about drugs."

We laughed at this for a little while. Then the president and I walked
into the White House theater, and sat down in the comfy leather seats.
The lights went down, and the first commercial began to play.

An enormously fat kid was sitting alone on a leather couch in some
middle-class American home. The kid packed up a bong, took a giant hit
and then coughed mightily. Then he picked up the phone and said, "I'd
like to order an extra-large supreme pizza and a large box of cinnamon
sticks."

The words "An hour later" flashed across the screen, and then the kid
was sitting on the couch, clutching his stomach, an empty pizza box on
the table in front of him. A voice said, "The munchies. If you don't
want to be hideously fat, don't smoke marijuana."

The President looked at me. "So what do you think,
Jeff?"

"Well, it's sort of accurate," I replied. "There are a lot of people
who smoke pot all the time, get the munchies, and get fat. But it
doesn't happen in every instance; there are plenty of skinny
drug-users."

"But it happens in some instances, right?" said the President. "As
opposed to shooting your friend, which NEVER happens?"

"True," I admitted. "Let's see the next one."

The screen switched to a house party. There were a bunch of young
people standing around, drinks in their hands, talking and laughing.

One partygoer, however, was not enjoying the festivities. He was
standing awkwardly in a corner, a cup in his hand, looking very much
out of place. An attractive young woman came up to him and said, "Hey,
aren't you in my biology class?"

The young man mumbled, "Yes," without a smile; and the girl stood
there a moment, turned off by the young man's nervousness, then walked
away.

"Marijuana," said the voice-over. "It'll make you self-conscious, and
prevent you from talking to people."

The screen went blank again. I said, "Well, again, President Bush,
that happens in some instances, but not always. There are plenty of
people who can get high and still retain their social skills."

"But it happens in some instances," the President replied. "Good.
That's all we're shooting for. Here, watch this next one."

The scene changed again and we now beheld a dorm room, in which a
young man sat studying, an expression of boredom and disgust on his
face.

Suddenly the young man cried out, "This sucks! I know all this, I
don't need to study!" He slammed the book shut, pulled out his pipe
and began to hit it.

The scene changed, and now the young man was in a classroom, getting
back his test, which had a big red "58" scrawled at the top.

"Marijuana," said the voice-over. "It's hard to study when you've got
a big sack of weed in your drawer."

"Well," I said, "that's more accurate than the other two. But it's not
completely true. I know people who smoke pot and have 4.0s. Was that
the last one?"

"Yes, that's all," said President Bush. "So what'd you
think?"

"Well, Mr. President, your commercials are fairly accurate. They
describe, pretty correctly, some of the negative effects marijuana can
have upon a person's life. But you must keep in mind that marijuana is
not always a bad thing. There are plenty of people who smoke it
regularly, and still lead healthy, successful lives."

"Yes," said the President, "No doubt that's true. But for most people,
marijuana does more harm than good. Most marijuana users would have
better, more fulfilling lives if they'd never taken that first hit."

"That's probably true," I conceded. "So you might as well make it
illegal, and run commercials condemning it, to keep people from
starting. Okay, touche."

"By the way," I added, "is this war with Iraq gonna' end anytime
soon?"

"Sure," said the President, "just as soon as we hunt down every single
hostile insurgent in an uncharted desert of 160,000 square miles."

"I think marijuana will be legal first," I replied. We shook hands,
and I walked out onto Pennsylvania Avenue.