WELL, EXCU-U-U-SE US

Youthful Indiscretions Are Now Inoperative Sincethey Haven't Been
Committed During The Last 7 Years, Twinkies Or Not

STOP THE constant hounding. We'll say this once and only once: We
haven't used drugs for the last seven years. Not pot, not cocaine, not
heroin, not magic mushrooms, not airplane glue. So get off our back
about it.

And, speaking hypothetically of course, if we allegedly might have
used an illegal substance in any period of time preceding the last
seven years, we did not inhale. Not one molecule.

If anyone claims to have seen us snorting cocaine, or dancing nude on
a piano, we would be forced to conclude that we were unconscious at
the time, or in a parallel universe of irrational youthful exuberance
that no candidate can be expected to be called to account for.

Any former beauty queen we are alleged to have cavorted with in a
hotel room was, in fact, simply giving us a back rub after a long,
hard day of campaigning.

Sure, mistakes were made, and we should blame those
mistakes.

Any perception of misbehavior must be attributed to youthful
indiscretions. It all stems from childhood abuse at the hands of an
alcoholic stepfather and overhearing the verbal battles between our
mother and grandmother. Plus, Roger stole my comics.

If there are any skeletons in our closet, chalk them up to an
overindulgence in Twinkies and other forms of junk food. You are what
you eat.

None of us is a crook. If any of us, for example, were accused of
backdating a document, you can rest assured that we were merely
memorializing an agreement that had been reached earlier.

None of is guilty of lying, or, as Winston Churchill phrased it,
"terminological inexactitude." Any prior statements of ours that now
might seem to lack verisimilitude may be regarded as
inoperative.

Any rumors of interaction with hookers, little boys, bighorn sheep or
campaign bagmen were the result of our conducting our own personal
investigations into matters vital to the preservation of this nation
and the Republic for which it stands.

We did not have sexual relations with that woman, whazzhername. It all
depends what your definition of a real fine smoke is.

We'll be glad to answer any and all your inquiries if you will simply
state them in a manner that allows us to creatively evade them in the
time-honored fashion.

Don't let the nattering nabobs of negativism grind us down. We have
important work to do for the American people. So we'll just say no to
drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll. At this point in time.