POLITICIANS HAVE A NOSE FOR THE HOT-BUTTON ISSUES

So now we're all on powder patrol. How dignified. Under the latest rules of
the game, the press has shifted its obsession from the sex lives of
candidates to the hazy druggie pasts of candidates.

Mark down 1999 as the year we decided that anyone who has serious designs
on political office is going to have to answer the cocaine question: What
did you snort, and when did you snort it?

It's only a matter of time before we start seeing bootleg home movies from
the 1980s, showing today's strait-laced candidate talking a mile a minute
while grinding his teeth, rubbing his nose and sniffling like a 5-year-old
with a bad winter cold. Talk about a blow to any campaign, heh heh heh.

George W. Bush is already on record about his past--sort of. As things
stand now, his official statement is something along the lines of, "Any
alleged cocaine use I may or may not have indulged in would have been a
youthful indiscretion that occurred before Dec. 31, 1974, and/or the
breakup of Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods, whichever came first."

Thanks for clearing that up, W.

And by the way, does the emergence of George Bush: The Sequel mean a
resurgence in Dana Carvey's career? The son does sound an awful lot like
the father; know what I mean? Not gonna talk about doing any eight-ball
with the fellas. Wouldn't be prudent.

Speaking of "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" (and we were, with the Bo Donaldson
reference), Billy Clinton, the least heroic president of this century, has
even been dragged into the cocaine confessional. After the bubble
gum-lipsticked, zirconia-spangled, erstwhile Clinton mistress Gennifer
Flowers appeared on the Fox News Channel and alleged that Clinton had told
her he'd snorted a line or two in his partying prime, the White House
counsel's office felt compelled to issue an official denial of blow usage
in the president's past.

"The president has never done cocaine," said Jim Kennedy, a spokesman for
the White House counsel's office, in a deadpan line so insanely absurd it
would have been hilarious if not for the fact that the president has done
so many other things that defy satire.

"That applies to [Clinton's] entire life," added Kennedy, lest any one
think this was another one of those Clinton-classic, "That depends on what
your definition of `is' is," non-denial denials.

So we can add Clinton's official Coca-Nola to the previous assurances from
all of Bush's rivals for the Republican nomination that they've never done
coke, either. What a bunch of drips they must have been in the Thelma
Houston/Gloria Gaynor era!

Meanwhile, Democratic front-runner Al Gore and his chief rival, Bill
Bradley, have copped to the proverbial "experimentation" with marijuana
during their college years, but maintain they never hoovered any white
lines back in the day.

Don't you just love that "experimented with marijuana" line? As if it was
some sort of science project.

Hey, I experimented with marijuana, too. My scientific findings yielded
conclusive proof that taking repeated hits off our college bong, a k a "The
Wizard," resulted in uncontrollable giggling, loss of rational thought
process and a craving for Zingers, Nacho Cheese Doritos and Slim Jims.

There seems to be no stopping this onslaught of cocaine talk. Recently,
we've also heard from New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson, who said he'd used pot
and cocaine while in college, and Rhode Island Senate hopeful Lincoln
Chafee, who announced Sunday that he, too, had done coke while in college.

This once again proves my theory of College Immunity, in which all manner
of substance abuse, promiscuity and acts of stupidity fall under the
protective umbrella of higher education: "Sure, I did acid and crack, and I
slept with every member of the rowing crew, and I had those shoplifting
convictions, and I flirted with a lesbian Wicca group--but it's not a true
measure of my character, because I was in college at the time."

The only thing more absurd than this epidemic of politicians talking about
their past drug use is the tide of commentators and columnists who feel
they have to give the somber details about their own crazy college days
before they can weigh in on George W. & Co.

Nonsense. Whether you're in the media or running for office, your
relationship with cocaine two decades ago couldn't be more irrelevant to
the general public. (Unless you're using it as joke material, of course!)

Most people simply don't care. In fact, I'd bet the majority of voters and
consumers of media have the most respect for anyone who answers the drug
question with, "Hey, none of your - - - - - - business."

Works for me.