HOW TO TELL THE KIDS YOU INHALED

Baby-boomer parent Carol Stewart hasn't been too concerned about which
politician used which drugs a quarter-century ago, not when she's been
grilled on her own past in a way that hit closer to home.

Stewart's day of reckoning arrived last year, in a manner that might rattle
many parents who came of age in the 1960s and '70s. The Squirrel Hill mother
of three was in the car with daughter, Talia, then 13, who brought up the
subject of drugs in a none-too-subtle way. "There were two questions: 'What
did you do?' and 'What did Dad do?' " recalled Stewart, 40, who is divorced
from Talia's father.

Those who participated in the drug culture rampant in high schools and
college campuses a generation ago might be just as bewildered as George W.
Bush about how to respond to such inquiries.

Obfuscate with some partial statements that leave confusion in your wake, as
the Republican presidential candidate is accused of doing? Parse words
carefully so as be truthful in fact but annoyingly unclear in potential
interpretation, in Clintonian fashion? Or just outright lie in an attempt to
cover your tracks, as a Nixonian might do? Then again, maybe politicians
aren't the right role models. Stewart handled it the way many child
advocates, family therapists and anti-drug organizations recommend: Be
honest without necessarily itemizing what drugs were involved or how much;
acknowledge the past while explaining that youthful misbehavior is unwise in
hindsight.

"I told her that I got stoned, and I told her that it took me a while to
realize that I didn't like what it did to me," Stewart said. "I told her the
things that it did to me that I know she wouldn't like -- that I ate
everything in my path, that I had a really hard time speaking, and by the
time I got a sentence out, people were always on to a different subject."

She's hopeful her candor about her own experience will help steer Talia away
from the temptation to experiment with marijuana or other illegal substances
in high school. A number of professionals who deal with drugs or family
counseling believe she handled the inquiry the right way.

"I don't think [your children] need the details, but I think you need to
tell them what some of your experiences were," and highlight either the
negative consequences of the drug use or the potential downside to it that a
person recognizes only when older, said Ken Montrose, clinical director of
the Greenbriar Treatment Center in Washington, Pa.

"You don't want to say, 'Yeah, I tried drugs, but I'm doing great,' "
Montrose cautioned. "You need to talk about what might have happened, the
people who did drugs and something went wrong. ... Ramming your car into the
tree and then laughing about it later with your kids sends the wrong message."

Undoubtedly, the vast majority of baby boomers who dabbled in drugs never
did permanent harm to themselves (or their cars) despite indulging at an age
when they were far less educated or concerned about risks than they are now.

A 1979 survey found that more than 60 percent of high school seniors at the
time had tried marijuana. Those youths, of course, have become many of
today's parents.

A new poll by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at
Columbia University found that 56 percent of parents with children between
the ages of 12 and 17 acknowledge past marijuana use, and 82 percent of them
would admit it to their children if they asked.

They'd be confiding to a generation of teen-agers who might not be as
pot-crazy as their parents once were, but who seem bound by societal changes
to be exposed to the issue at an earlier age than teens in the '60s and '70s.

National surveys showed a sharp increase in the use of marijuana and other
drugs by teens for most of this decade, but in the past year or two, the
numbers have stabilized or declined somewhat. The government's 1998 National
Household Survey on Drug Abuse found about 8 percent of youths aged 12-17
admitted to using marijuana within the past 30 days and 10 percent said they
had used some type of illicit drug recently.

Some therapists discourage a confessional approach by parents, whether about
marijuana or harder drugs, because it might enable kids to deflect attention
from their own issues.

David Wilmes, author of the book, "Parenting for Prevention," and drug
education consultant for the Minneapolis-based Hazelden Foundation, said
many youngsters weren't ready to digest the fact that their parents once
used illegal drugs. On lectures around the country, he tells parents they
should concentrate on giving their children a solid anti-drug message
instead of worrying about being hypocrites if they partied hard themselves.

"We're seeing a generation of parents extremely ambiguous about being able
to have clear limits about marijuana use, alcohol use, cocaine use because
of their own past," Wilmes said. "This is the first time a generation has
ever put pressure on parents or politicians to do this incredible candor,
but as parents, we have the right and responsibility to make choices about
what and how much to delve into our past."

Dr. Wesley Sowers, chief clinical officer of the Center for Addiction
Services at St. Francis Medical Center, said that whether a parent says his
past included or didn't include drug use, he'd advise that Mom and Dad stick
to a hard line focused on the child's own behavior.

"I wouldn't call it sidestepping," he said. "It's refocusing on the issues
that are relevant, rather than allowing the parents' personal history to
become the focus of the debate. ... Otherwise, it becomes a bit of a
smokescreen."

But just as advocates of admitting past drug use stop short of recommending
full disclosure of every detail, the experts who discourage confessions stop
short of advising anyone to lie. There's a balancing act in which parents
need to both maintain respect as authority figures and keep open a line of
trusting communication, and just how they handle the topic might best be
determined by the child's age and maturity level and the history of the
parent-child relationship. Ginny Markell, a Portland, Ore., mother, nurse,
teacher and president of the National PTA, said she believed that a parent
gains most by answering a teen-ager directly about past experience and
demonstrating how they've handled the same pressures their youngster may be
facing.

"That's one of the things we do as parents -- share what we've learned from
life," she said. "If we're expecting that politicians are going to be
honest, children should be able to expect that of a parent."

And that's even if it shocks a kid, as was the case with Stewart's daughter
learning of her mother's past, though it was nothing more sordid than that
of millions of baby boomers.

"She just couldn't match the stereotype of a partier to her mother, since
she's always told me how out of date I am," Stewart said with a chuckle. "I
don't feel like I have anything to hide. I think being reasonably open is
going to earn me more points."