HIGH HOPES FOR GEORGE W.

The ACA was concerned. Alarmed. In the throes of a full-blown panic.

In an column earlier this month that explored the state's unseemly interest
in an exotic fungus -- Florida law enforcement officials think Fusarium
oxysporum would devour the state's homegrown marijuana crop -- I mentioned
that the DEA was experimenting with a spore of the same name.

The DEA's fungus, I noted, was supposed to eat cocoa plants.

``As official spokesperson for the ACA (American Chocaholics Anonymous), I
wish to launch a vigorous protest against any attempts at eradicating our
staff of life, the cocoa plant,'' wrote Gard Norberg of Dania Beach.

``In the event such an undertaking were to succeed,'' Norberg added, ``it
would, at best, be a bittersweet victory for the DEA, which has already
wasted $500 billion on a futile attempt at eradicating the coca shrub.''

Cocoa Heads

Oops. An inadvertent vowel. A Freudian slip, perhaps. Good thing that it
was error and not fact, though. One can only imagine the devastating
effects if the DEA went after cocoa with the same tactics used in its
campaign against coca.

We'd be looking at Hershey Kisses, peddled by teenie gang members,
available on any inner-city street corner. The beautiful people of South
Beach would indulge in decadent Godiva parties. Rival ethnic criminal
gangs, fighting for control of the illegal chocolate trade, would be known
as cocoa cowboys.

One could imagine the hard question put to George W. Bush, as he dodges and
weaves his way to the presidency. A Tootsie Roll? Not in the last 25 years.
Snickers? Not since Dad left the White House.

Of course, George W., if he did indulge in the stuff of coca rather than
cocoa, would be only one of 78 million Americans who dabbled in illegal
drugs. He maintains that if he did -- and he's admitting to nuttin' -- it's
none our business, no more relevant then whether he gulped down a Whitman's
Sampler as a Yalie frat rat.

A Whiff Of Hypocrisy

Except that Little George, while as governor of Texas, has shown an
exceptional enthusiasm to whack even small-time drug offenders with nasty
prison sentences. In 1997, Bush signed a law that authorized judges to give
jail time to folks for possessing or selling less than one twentieth of an
ounce (less than one gram) of cocaine. The law applies to kids as young as 14.

One presumes that if George II did, and he's not saying if he did or
didn't, then the minimum amount of powered cocaine peddled back when he
sowed his unruly oats was a gram. The question seems relevant as our party
boy happily consigns this generation of youngsters to prison for those same
sins.

Not that George Bush would be alone in his hypocrisy. A sizable chunk of
his political contemporaries, so happy to clog our prisons with drug law
violators, have very cloudy memories when it comes to their own youthful
indiscretions. Perhaps pot really does cause memory loss.

I once asked an old friend of mine, a former prosecutor, whether he had
felt sheepish about putting folks in jail for messing with marijuana, given
that a few years before he was a regular toker himself. ``The marijuana's
much stronger now,'' he said, defensively.

``Yeah,'' I agreed, ``I remember all those times you turned down pot: `This
stuff's so good it's immoral. Take it back.' ''

Not that I personally had any first-hand experience with dangerous drugs.
Though, once, in 1977, on a sailboat well outside the three-mile
territorial waters, I might -- or I might not -- have ingested several
mind-blowing ounces of uncut Nestle's Crunch.