WAR ON DRUDGE: JUST SAY NO

While on vacation, I was distressed to learn that ugly rumors had surfaced
about myself and the possible use of illegal substances.

At first, I was determined to ignore the innuendo, possibly spread by
bottom-feeding rivals.

But, upon consulting with my advisers, I decided to put these rumors to
rest, lest they interfere with my campaign to become America's premier
compassionate, conservative columnist. Or is that an oxymoron?

Fortunately, I have in my hands the Standard Vice Disclosure Statement
(SVDS), created by my colleagues in the media, to handle such questions.
It's very handy. When you complete yours be sure to send it to Matt Drudge,
who will keep it on file. Just in case.

Q: Have you ever used cocaine?

A: I can state categorically that I have not used cocaine in the last 24
years, 6 months and 5 days. I would say "never," except for that party in
1975, where I don't remember anything after the 2 a.m. conga line.

Breathing lessons Q: Have you ever used marijuana?

A: I have experimented with marijuana, but not in the way you think. When
most folks use that word today they mean: I was totally zonked between ages
19 and 25.

I mean it literally. I was in my late teens, visiting my buddy in New York,
and we went to his girlfriend's apartment. The two of them soon adjourned
to the other room. I think to discuss Descartes.

She left behind a Maxwell House instant coffee jar half-filled with
marijuana, a small pipe and the admonition: Help yourself.

I had never helped myself before, but I knew -- unlike a certain Rhodes
scholar who shall remain nameless -- that the object was to inhale, but not
exhale.

This was tougher than I thought. I gagged a bit. The pipe kept going out. I
kept running into the bathroom to see if my pupils had dilated -- as I
understood it, a telltale sign that the fun was about to begin. Eventually,
I fell asleep. In other words, my experiment failed.

I woke up unimpaired enough to have a couple of post-Descartes beers with
my buddy.

Slim evidence Q: Have you ever abused alcohol?

A: Beer and wine, as we all know, are grain and fruit products. Ergo food.
And when it comes to food, I am one with that 77-pound actress who is or
who plays -- I can never remember which -- Ally McBeal. It's strictly NOYB.
None of Your Business.

Hard liquor is another matter. In my 20s, I had a brief affair with
martinis, but I have not had a martini in 7 years, 6 months and 3 days. And
so we draw the veil.

Q: Have you broken any laws?

A: That depends on how you define "law." To break a law, mustn't one be
convicted in court? That said, have I ever been convicted of speeding,
reckless driving or cheating on my taxes? No.

Q: Have you ever cheated on your spouse?

A: Is that saliva I see drooling from the lips of the media jackals? Down,
boys, down! I am happy to say that I have never physically transgressed
during the nearly 22 years that I have been married to my first wife.

Q: Have you had lust in your heart?

A: Another categorical No. Lust resides in my mind, where it should be,
somewhere between the declension of the Latin word agricola and the lyrics
to "Mother Macree."

I kiss the dear silver that lines her hair . . ..

But I digress. Sometimes, if it's not raining, I will let my lust out.
After a while I send my guilt to fetch it and back it comes, its tail
between its legs, looking bedraggled.

Lately, my lust has headed in new directions. For instance, I have begun to
lust for an SUV.

I've been meaning to ask my psychiatrist friend, Harvey, what this means.
Only I'm afraid he'll tell me.

So there it is. I hope I have answered all your questions. If not, tough
noogies. Find yourself another columnist. Though I happen to know some of
them are horribly depraved. I won't name names. Unless you send in a
self-addressed, stamped envelope.