POT LUCK

I now divide my friends into two categories: those who smoke dope and those
who don't get invited to my dinner parties.

The last time I tried to mix the drinkers and the dopeheads, it was a huge
flop. There came a point, at about midnight, when the drinkers got noisier
and more argumentative, chain-smoked smelly cigarettes and wanted to crack
open more whisky.

The dope-smokers found this all a bit frightening. They just wanted to
chill out, listen to the music, murmur about the meaning of life and then
retire for an early night.

Me, I'm with the dope-smokers all the way. Although I like the odd drink,
I'm invariably repelled by people who've had too much: their breath stinks,
and their personalities change so that they become aggressive or maudlin.

But that's one of the dangers of dope. The more you smoke, the less you
want to drink which can turn you into a bit of a prig.

Boozers often claim that dope-smoking makes you poor company. You sit
around being vague and spaced-out, giggling inanely at nonexistent jokes
and spouting gibberish that is only comprehensible to people on the same
weird planet as you.

All I can say in our defence is that it doesn't seem that way to us at the
time. As far as we're concerned, we're being as insightful and witty and
clever as any mortal has ever been.

Another rarely cited virtue of dope is that it goes remarkably well with
family life. I know many young mothers who would surely have strangled
their bawling offspring by now had it not been for the numbing solace of a
spliff. And though the same could be said of drink, dope doesn't impair
your faculties to the same degree, so you can still function well as a
nurturing parent.

Indeed, one remarkable side-effect I've noticed in dope is the way it makes
children so much more interesting. Normally I tend to find their
conversation dull and irritating. But, after a few joints, one seems to
have far more time and inclination to listen to their burblings; and
perhaps even to go with them to marvel at the exciting wriggly worm or join
them for a session on their Sony PlayStation.

Perhaps it's because dope brings you down to their level and helps you
rediscover your inner child.

Or perhaps that's just the sort of hippie nonsense you'd expect an addled
old head to come up with.