GILMORE'S PLAN MAY BE BOUNTIFUL

Gov. Jim Gilmore's plan to offer $10,000 bounties for drug kingpins
has my mouth watering.

With a little luck, a concealed weapons permit, and a set of shiny new
scales, I could collect the equivalent of my newspaper salary in a
week or two.

Where I live, the streets are crawling with potential
suspects.

The details aren't ironed out yet, but I can only presume that this
Wild West sort of language presages an official tolerance for a new
Wild West sort of culture.

Richmond needs that.

It hasn't been dangerous enough lately.

I can truthfully say that I have never seen a hard street drug. And
I'm clueless when it comes to the metric system.

So I hope the gov posts some billboards around town illustrating what
crack cocaine or heroin actually looks like. And maybe a pile of the
stuff that's equivalent to a kilogram or two.

And how about some bounty hunter starter kits? Maybe a door rammer, a
fake beard and a nightstick. And a black T-shirt imprinted with big
letters on the back that spell out something to prevent
misidentification.

Police or Peacekeeper, maybe. Political Tool, perhaps.

At any rate, I'm ready to become a vigilante for Jim.

To be a drug kingpin in Virginia, it won't be necessary to rise to the
level of commerce of drug kingpins in the federal system. Gilmore
wants to lower the kingpin standard.

Our kingpins will be more akin to princepins or dukepins and we'll be
the toughest anti-drug state in the country.

Here's how it'll work.

A drug dealer handling crack cocaine or heroin needs to have on hand
one kilogram of the stuff to qualify as a dukepin under Sheriff
Gilmore's proposal.

I'm hoping that's about the size of a roll of refrigerated cookie
dough. Easily visible. I don't want to go searching through some
stranger's pocket for anything smaller.

Anyway, if you see something matching the billboard images on the
street, I figure you have every right to go after the guy.

Simply knock him down, set up your scales, weigh the stuff to see if
this turkey meets the princepin statutory minimum, and Bingo! You're
only few steps away from collecting your loot.

It would help if the perp is driving a fancy car or has a resort
sticker on the bumper. According to the governor, these sorts of
people are almost certainly dukepins.

Maybe you can lie in wait on Interstate 95 and pounce on whatever
fancy automobile happens by. Look closely for resort-style luggage.

Once you make the collar, just bring the dukepin down to the lock-up
and collect your reward. Democrats will probably insert some language
about requiring a conviction first, but I bet there'll be a special
rocket-docket court for dukepins.

We haven't learned yet either if this bounty system carries the "bring
'em back dead or alive" caveat.

That sounds a little far-fetched. More up the alley of cowboy-booted,
former Gov. George Allen.

Still, the image of bodies piling up on the lawn of the Governor's
Mansion has a certain charm. And what great visuals for television.

If things go far enough, the drive to the Capitol grounds could
resemble the road to Vlad the Impaler's castle a few centuries back.

Just think. Matching rows of dukepins impaled on stakes all the way to
Petersburg.