WAINFLEET: THE GROW-OP CAPITAL OF NIAGARA

"Honey, that sign we just passed, did it say 'Welcome To The
Wainfleet Bog' or 'Welcome To The Wainfleet Bong'?"

I was shocked, I tell you, shocked to learn that MJK Greenhouses, a
large cucumber hot house operation over on Sider Road were not, as
the original agricultural zoning bylaw allowed, producing cucumbers.

As it turns out the 14 long, plastic covered hot houses were in fact
growing grass. Which would be okay except they're not a licensed sod
farm either.

Port Colborne/Wainfleet firemen responding to a 2 a.m. emergency call
discovered 4,000 marijuana plants and $350,000 in grow operation
equipment at the farm.

Some of the potted plants in the 60-metre long hot houses were four
feet high and the whole crop is estimated to be worth just under $5 million.

Police became suspicious two weeks ago when they learned Wainfleet
cucumbers suddenly had a street value of $900 each.

No doubt about it, I'd be going with the Genetic Engineering Defence
on this one.

"You know, your honour, ever since Monsanto started experimenting
with the genetic make-up of cash crops, you don't know what the hell
you're gettin'. I mean it said "Cucumber Seeds" right on the package
and they looked like cucumber plants when they sprouted but ... well,
one day the dog ate a full-grown plant and next thing I know he's
making love to my riding lawn mover and howlin' one of them Beatles'
songs. I think it was from The White Album.

Then I started noticin' all these empty pizza boxes. How the dog got
those pies delivered we may never know. No, I'll tell ya, David
Suzuki was right, you start messin' with Mother Nature and pretty
soon you got a very weird lookin' cucumber plant that's worth $1,500 on eBay."

The neighbour who lives across the street from the marijuana grow-op
was surprised by the discovery. "I couldn't believe it," she said.
"How someone could have something so big for so long and not have
someone find out?"

And that's the real problem -- detection. This is not the first time
huge crops of marijuana have been discovered growing out here in
Wainfleet. Rural agricultural areas have always been prime property
for growing illegal cannabis crops.

So here are some sure signs you might be living next door to a
marijuana grow operation:

. right after they buy the cucumber farm, the neighbours put up a
sign that reads: "Sorry. We're Plum Outta Cucumbers."

. they replace the weather vane on the top of the barn with a guy
wearing night vision goggles and carrying an automatic weapon.

. you're standing next to the farmer at Minor Brothers Farm Supply
when he orders eight metric tons of Miracle Grow.

. you run into the farmer's wife at Sobeys in Dunnville and she's
buying ... cucumbers.

. one day the farmer and his wife drive up in matching, black and
white HUMMERS with the vanity plates: "KUKEONE" and "KUKETWO."

. they both wear Best Buds T-shirts, but they have no friends.

. the Jehovah's Witnesses keep having giggling fits halfway up their driveway.

. the neighbourhood always smells skunky but you haven't seen a road
kill in years.

. you notice all the people coming to their "Pick Your Own Cucumber
Festival" are carrying machetes and green garbage bags.

. last Halloween when the neighbours ran out of Smarties, they
started handing out roach clips.

. you notice Rolling Stone Magazine has listed Wainfleet Cucumber
third in international cannabis sales behind Panama Red and Columbian Gold.

. their youngest kid wins the school talent show by playing air
guitar to Puff The Magic Dragon.

. the two guys who drive up in the Cucumber Consultants of California
truck look an awful lot like Cheech and Chong.

. the vegetable stand on the lawn where they used to sell cucumbers
now offers four different sizes of scented cigarette paper.

. your kid who delivers their newspaper has started calling you "Dude."

. people with New York plates on their cars keep stopping at your
house asking where they can buy "those famous cucumber brownies."

. your dog chases their dog into their barn and your dog comes home
"all mellowed out."

. when you follow the extension cord they have leading to the
greenhouse it takes you to the James Bay Hydro Complex in northern Quebec.

And finally, you might be living next door to a marijuana grow-op
when Weed Man comes twice a week and he's driving a tractor trailer.