HOLLYWOOD'S COMMANDER IN CHIEF

Hey Kids, Don't Do Drugs. (Now Where's My Money?)

Suckers that we are, we always believed that Hollywood had secret influence
on the White House. We knew that the president routinely called Steven
Spielberg for advice. We knew that movie stars could show up at the White
House gate and gain entrance simply by flashing their gleaming
million-dollar teeth. Jack Valenti, Alec Baldwin, Ron Silver, Warren Beatty
- - they were as omnipresent at state dinners as the Secret Service.

Now we know we had the whole thing backward. The Hollywood "influence" was
just the smoke screen. The hideous truth: The White House runs the
entertainment industry.

TV shows. Movies. The hairstyles and cosmetic surgery options of the stars.
All this comes straight out of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. That tough,
no-nonsense, always-savvy president played by Martin Sheen on "The West
Wing" is not inspired by President Clinton - he's written by him.

Slap me if I imagined this: A movie called "Air Force One" has terrorists
taking over the president's plane - only to be thwarted by the
tough-as-nails, Ramboesque president himself. Clearly, a script straight
from the Oval Office.

We also are forced to recall the movie "The American President." The
president is a widower, and so he gets to date around. Do you see a certain
someone's fingerprints all over that one?

Now we know what the White House staff has been doing for the past seven
years, other than answering subpoenas. Who has time to work on campaign
finance reform when you're under the gun to finish a script for "The Drew
Carey Show"? Could you have anticipated the Kosovo invasion if you were
also working out the syndication rights for "Ally McBeal"?

The official story so far is that this is just an attempt to get anti-drug
messages on the airwaves. Salon, the online magazine, disclosed this week
that the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy has been
reviewing scripts and advance footage of such TV shows as "ER" and "Cosby."
The networks were given financial incentives worth millions of dollars to
put anti-drug messages in their shows.

But you know that's just the start of it. This White House is shameless in
its deal-making and spin-doctoring. It understands that everything has a
price--a night in the Lincoln Bedroom, coffee with the president, the
dialogue in "Touched by an Angel." Almost certainly it has offered
Hollywood an entire menu of plot devices, character developments and
scripted messages, each with its own financial incentive:

* $1,000: Reference to first lady as "beautiful and incredibly senatorial."

* $2,000: Allusion to President Clinton's "intelligence, charm and
pantherish animal vigor."

* $3,000: On "NYPD Blue," Andy Sipowicz goes through trailer park with a
$10 bill and turns up someone named "Paula Jones."

* $4,000: Minor character named "Mr. Gore" discovers way to use Internet to
repair Antarctic ozone hole.

* $5,000: On new version of "Perry Mason," a character named "Mr. Starr"
always loses to Mr. Mason.

* $10,000: "Mr. Starr" is held in contempt of court and is thrown into "Oz"
prison.

* $30,000: Very bad, hard-to-watch things happen to "Mr. Starr" in "Oz"
prison and he confesses under duress that he is part of a "vast right-wing
conspiracy."

* $50,000: On "The X-Files," aliens make illegal campaign contributions to
the Republican National Committee.

* $100,000: Lunatic politician named "Speaker Gingrich" revealed as person
who shot down Col. Henry Blake's plane on "M*A*S*H."

And finally:

* $1 million: Remake of "Titanic" in which pushy ship executive named
"George W. Bush" elbows aside women and children and sneaks onto lifeboat.

Rough Draft which appears three times a week at washingtonpost.com, cannot
be bought. Sometimes it can not even be read.