A MODEST PROPOSAL TO HELP WIN THE WAR ON DRUGS

BOGOTA -- Inspired by the recently-proposed boost in US military aid
to stamp out drugs in Colombia, Colombian Senator Jose Canusi has
proposed a $500 million demand-eradication package for the United
States. From the Senate floor, Canusi declared that his bill would
"eliminate Colombia's drug problem at its source -- the gringo drug
user."

Canusi, a "Third Way" centrist in the mold of Bill Clinton and Tony
Blair, proudly points out that his five-point plan contains more
carrots than sticks. "We want to give druggies every incentive to
quit," he said. "If they won't, well, that's what the sticks are for."

Among the senator's innovative incentives:

"Reading is Psychedelic" ($1.3 million). This program would distribute
hundreds of thousands of Gabriel Garcia Marquez novels at rave clubs
and other hangouts for hallucinators. "If they want to journey to the
center of their mind, the easiest, safest trip is 'One Hundred Years
of Solitude,'" said Canusi.

Hobby substitution ($1.2 million). "By teaching crackheads and junkies
pinochle, soccer and the full repertoire of Latin dances, we will give
them something to enjoy besides crack and smack. Any guy who thinks
heroin is the ultimate high hasn't put on a puffy shirt and meringued
the night away with sensuous senoritas."

Education ($1.1 million). "We will distribute flyers with the
following message superimposed on Dirty Harry's face: 'Drugs are
dangerous. Don't believe me? Keep using and make my day.' It's not as
catchy as Nancy Reagan's 'Just say no,' but it gets the point across."

For those drug users who won't bite on these juicy carrots, Canusi's
bill includes two whacking sticks:

Aerial spraying with machine guns ($250 million). Special forces
pilots in Blackhawk helicopters will hover over known places of
drug-taking activity, such as country clubs, congressional offices and
fashion shows, and gun down the druggies when they step out for air.

Ground-based death squads ($246.4 million). "The death squads will
operate vast networks of informants to discover who is taking drugs,"
explains Canusi. "Once a user has been identified, the death squads
will know what to do."

In an exclusive interview after the Senate session, Canusi addressed
some of the controversial aspects of his proposal.

Q: Doesn't your bill constitute intervention in the internal affairs
of the US?

A: Yes, but our Bolivar Doctrine grants us the right to intervene when
our national security is at stake, and your druggies have rendered it
so.

Q: What do you hope to accomplish?

A: A drug-free America.

Q: When you say "America," are you referring to all of the Americas,
North and South?

A: Don't be absurd! True, we South Americans are annoyed by your
practice of using "America" as a synonym for the United States. But my
answer was in keeping with your custom, for it is only the US that
desires to be "drug free."

Q: Colombia does not wish to be drug free?

A: Please. My brother Alfredo and his wife, they enjoy their
marijuana. Maybe two or three times a month. Me, I enjoy wine with
dinner. I see nothing wrong with any of this, but if the gringos wish
to live drug free, the Colombian people would like to help.

Q: I don't think the US wishes to be free of alcohol.

A: Correct. The US wishes to bar addictive, mind-altering drugs
manufactured by Colombians while expanding domestic and international
markets for addictive, mind-altering drugs manufactured by the Busch
and Coors cartels. We have brought this to the attention of the WTO.

Q: Do you envision a key role for paramilitary death
squads?

A: Yes, and here we owe you a deep debt of gratitude. Throughout the
Third World your CIA and special forces have worked with local armies
and intelligence agencies to hone the death-squad technique. If
political activists, labor agitators and peasant organizers can be
eliminated, why not drug users?

Q: Who will man the squads?

A: Yankees. Colombians who have trained at the School of the Americas
will return to the School to instruct your soldiers.

Q: Why not let Americans -- sorry, I mean Yankees -- train Yankees?
Are the Colombian teachers really necessary?

A: Frankly, no. But by participating directly we Colombians can prove
we are indeed "good neighbors."

Q: Like Mister Rogers?

A: Yes, but with an Uzi under his sweater.