HOW DO YOU SPELL VIETNAM? `COLOMBIA'

THOSE of you old enough to remember the Vietnam War will recall the early
years, when the majority of Americans couldn't find the place on a map and
practically nobody could tell the difference between the Viet Cong and the
North Vietnamese. Well, it's time to look up Colombia on the map of South
America and learn what FARC is.

When the history of this one is written, what will amaze everyone once
again is how hopelessly clueless we all are -- the Clinton administration,
Congress, the media. The media keep reporting ``a $9 billion spending bill
to help Colombia combat drug traffickers'' as though it were just that
simple.

(Actually, only $1.6 billion of the spending bill is for the ``counter drug
aid package for Colombia.'' There is $2.6 billion to pay for our military
costs in Kosovo, $2 billion for disaster relief and then, somehow,
amazingly, the thing came out of the House Appropriations Committee with
the total price tag doubled by pure pork barrel.)

We are all under the happy illusion that the money we're sending to
Colombia will be used to combat drug traffickers. Actually, there's every
likelihood that some of it will go to drug traffickers.

The civil war in Colombia has been going on for 40 years. About 40 percent
of the country is now under the control of FARC -- the Fuerzas Armadas
Revolucionarias de Colombia. FARC started out protecting poor campesinos.
The drug boom of the '90s caused landless peasants from all over the
country to flock to the southern portion of the country to grow cocaine --
and FARC protects them. FARC claims that it is not directly involved in the
drug traffic, but it taxes growers and transporters, and is obviously
dependent on them.

Meanwhile, we have the government of Colombia, which does not control the
army; the army is pretty much out of control. And to the right of the army
are the paramilitary defense forces, a nasty bunch of thugs given to
murder, massacre, kidnapping and drug dealing.

Human Rights Watch reports a particularly interesting form of collusion.
The Colombian army traditionally demands a high number of enemy casualties
from officers who want promotion. So the paramilitaries bring dead
civilians to army barracks in exchange for weapons. The officers dress the
corpses in camouflage and claim they were guerrillas killed in battle.

46ortunately, our government can be counted upon to screw up even a
terrible idea, and the Colombian aid package is now stuck in Congress.
Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott is naturally upset that the package comes
to his side with double the original sticker price on it. He wants to strip
out the pork, and he proposes to do so by letting the aid package go
through the normal appropriations process, which will slow it down by a
good six months.

Just to prove that someone in Congress has some sense, Rep. Nancy Pelosi of
California tried to add $1.3 billion for drug treatment and prevention in
the United States but lost on a party-line vote. Most of them think it
would be more fun to send Blackhawk helicopters, planes, and the U.S.
trainers and advisers we all remember so well. I always like these policies
where we're funding both sides in a war.

Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram.