MY SPIRITUAL LIFE WOULD REALLY SOAR IF THEY WOULD HURRY UP AND MAKE
THESE DRUGS -- LEGAL DRUGS -- FOR ME

Tired of the gospel grind? Feeling spiritually low? Do you have to
drag yourself to church? Cheer up. All you need is some Spiritual Viagra.

Yes, with a tablet of Spiritual Viagra, you will soon be back in
evangelical action, perkier than ever as you witness over and over. No
more embarrassing dysfunction of the good old hallelujah.

This is not, as you may be thinking, another of my lapses into demonic
possession. This good news comes from a report I read on the 33rd
national meeting of the United Methodist Church.

At the caucus in North Carolina, Rev. McCallister Hollins told fellow
Methodists that the church needed "a dose of spiritual Viagra."

Since it was a man of the cloth talking, I naturally assumed that such
a thing was available. Even better, that this spiritual Viagra might
work equally well no matter which side of the gospel plate you batted
from.

Perhaps I misunderstood. If I did, it is because of a recent claim I
heard from a Mormon who said that taking anti-depressants helped her
realize again that the church was true.

Then there is the hyperactive neighbor kid. When Buddy's medication is
working, he looks and acts a great deal less like Satan. At least my
dogs don't howl when he comes around.

This wouldn't be the first time that drugs and religion have joined
forces. Some American Indian religions still practice the peyote
ritual, using the hallucinogenic cactus buttons to summon visions the
way their ancestors did for centuries.

As a 21st century Mormon, I can't vouch for the effects of peyote on
the spirit world. All I know is that it's much harder to fall asleep
in church if I have about four diet Cokes before I go.

Heck, with the right amount of caffeine, high council is almost
tolerable. Of course, it's difficult to feel the effects of the Holy
Ghost when your heart is working like a jack hammer.

Still, with all the advances in pharmaceutical research, it's only a
matter of time before a real drug is discovered that will help
backsliders. And I mean a legal one. Church wouldn't be the same if
you had to watch out for undercover DEA agents in the choir.

Thus far, drugs have helped us with every other aspect of life. There
are drugs to alleviate physical and emotional suffering, why not one
for the spiritual?

Just think how much you life would change if a simple pill caused
charity to grow in your heart, or a nasal spray made you more chaste.
What if all you had to do to be born again is inject yourself with a
little Witnessol?

My own sordid spiritual life would be much better if someone would
hurry up and invent the following:

- -- FASTIN SUNDAY: A nuclear level appetite suppressant that would
enable me to focus on the testimonies instead of a pizza.

- -- LUST-AMINE: When highly unspiritual images of Miss America pop into
my head, I inject myself with a large amount of this testosterone inhibitor.

- -- PERCUSSIN: A liquid curse preventative. A couple of shots of this
stuff would enable me to safely discuss politics in mixed company.

- -- HUMS: For stomach acid caused by interminable church
hymns.

- -- BENEDICDRYL: Scared of praying in public? Take two of these before
you go to church, and you will part the heavens.

- -- SINSULIN: A simple injection allows you to associate with people
like Larry Erdmann and me, without danger of becoming corrupted.