LET'S HAVE A 2D OLYMPICS FOR ALL ATHLETES ON DRUGS

BEIJING - The Olympics are coming. Despite all the ritual assurances
that this time they'll be drugfree, we all know we're going to get a
doping scandal or two, each of which will deepen our disillusion with
professional sports, and temper our admiration for the apparently
legitimate winners. But it doesn't have to be this way.

Here's a modest proposal:

Hold two separate Olympic Games, one for the druggies, and one for the
purists. The Drug-O-Lympics will feature pumped-up supermen (and
former superwomen whose testosterone treatments have pushed them over
the gender edge) who can swallow, inject or smoke whatever they want,
no holds barred, if they think it'll make them run faster, throw
further, or jump higher; steroids, beta-blockers, human growth
hormone, modified genes - anything goes. At the Clean-O-Lympics we'll
see the slender physiques of the drug-free, their bodies as free from
artificial stimulants as their consciences are from guilt and paranoia.

Consider the advantages:

* We could celebrate victories without them being tainted by suspicion
of unfair advantage. No more fallen role models desperately trying to
convince a cynical public they really are clean. Linford Christie and
Merlene Ottey could hold their heads high, whichever event they chose
to participate in.

* We would find out once and for all how much difference drug taking
actually makes. Maybe all those young East German lives were ruined
for nothing.

* The TV ratings would answer why it is that we watch the Olympics -
do we want to gawk at the limits of human achievement, or to cheer on
ordinary heroes and heroines? Is it a freak show or a soap opera?
Which advertisers go for which version and how much they were prepared
to pay - would be most instructive.

The one thing everyone in the sports business seems able to agree on
is that drugs in sports, like prostitution and cannabis smoking, is
not going to go away. Indeed, the problem will only grow, as sports
becomes more professional, and the financial gap widens between the
gold medalist thrusting his logo-spattered chest over the finish line
and The Guy Who Came Fourth, unnoticed a few hundredths of a second
later. Promises of more punitive fines and foolproof testing only
stimulate the ingenuity of the drug takers.

Are we more interested in the cartoon-like physique of Ben Johnson, or
the heart-warming achievements of the Cambodian long-distance runner,
crossing the line hours after the winner? Do we want to see Michelle
Smith, or Eddie the Eagle? The answer is probably both, but this way
each would have their own appropriate theater.

A colleague who recently saw the Chinese Olympic female swim team,
once all-conquering when doped to the goggles, told me the new
drugfree lot looked like, well, typical Chinese women in swimsuits,
rather than the familiar bearded behemoths. Will we cheer their fifth
place in the semifinal to the rafters, or dismiss them as no-hopers?

I can imagine many objections to this proposal. If the Clean-O-Lympics
prove more popular, the temptation to take drugs to improve
performance might grow. Others will object that the Drug-O-Lympics
would mean tacit approval of drug taking, and represent another step
for Modem Society down the moral ladder. Possibly, but nearly all
banned drugs are illegal only because sporting bodies have decreed
them so the Cuban Javier Sotomayor's cocaine bust was a rare
exception. Most athletes are busted for using over-the-counter cold
remedies. Some thought Mark McGwire's home-run record was diminished
by the fact he took muscle-building supplements banned by some
athletic bodies, but not Major League Baseball.

Anyway, we may not like steroids, but let's put this into perspective.
Are the risks of informed drug use (as opposed to those tragic Cold
War sacrificial lambs being force-fed "vitamin supplement" pills)
really any worse than those we deem acceptable, or at least legal,
like boxing or even ballet dancing?

And let me tell you about another idea I've had: interactive cricket,
where the viewer can dial in a bribe to the player or umpire of their
choice, with the latest tallies digitally displayed on the backsides
of the participants as the bids and counterbids roll in.

The writer, a free-lance journalist, contributed this comment to the
International Herald Tribune.