NEW ENERGY DRINK JUST STUPID

FLINT -- I'm thinking the makers of the new energy drink Cocaine
didn't go far enough. If they were shooting for outrageous, what
they should have done is call their brew "Drink This, Get Addicted,
See Your Life Go To Hell And End Up Dead, Broke or In Rehab."

Now that would be a big seller.

Meanwhile, back here on earth, life just continues to get stupider.

I mean, you've seen this, right? A Las Vegas beverage maker is
actually selling an energy drink called Cocaine.

It doesn't have any actual cocaine in it, or even a derivative
thereof. It's supposed to be like those silly Red Bull energy drinks
you see in the stop and robs, the kind that purport to be full of
"mysterious" energy-giving ingredients from the Far East, when all
they're really full of is caffeine and sugar.

I tried a Red Bull once. You know what it tasted like? Like flat
Faygo Red Pop. And since I drink a lot of coffee, the thing actually
mellowed me out. Go figure.

You know what I don't get about energy drinks? The only people who
drink them are young people. That makes me mad.

Listen, you people, you're young. You're already supposed to have
energy. And if you think you don't have energy now, just wait until
you turn 40, people. Then you'll know what a genuine lack of energy
feels like.

That funk you feel now? That's not a lack of energy. That's a lack
of interest in life. Stop wasting your money on $3 energy drinks and
go figure out what you wanna do with yourself, OK?

Sheesh.

Anyway, I'm no longer young. We've established that. But if I were,
I'd be offended by Cocaine.

The company that makes it clearly is aiming for "street cred."

In the advertising world, anything street is believed to be
irresistible to teens and young adults, especially those who don't
live on or anywhere near a "street," meaning middle-class suburban kids.

The company clearly figures kids won't actually think about this. A
soft drink named Cocaine? You think a real cocaine user is going
anywhere near that? Nuh-uh. A true coke user would be confused by a
can of Cocaine. "I don't get it, man. Do you smoke it or sniff it?"

So by going for such a laughably "outrageous" name, the company is
essentially saying to its customers, "We assume that you're stupid
enough to swallow the idea that an energy drink named after a street
drug is cool, even though it basically has the same stuff in it as
Mountain Dew."

That would tick me off if I were a kid.

Then again, it's been so long since I wore a younger man's clothes,
who knows, maybe this will work.

Dumber things have happened.

That's why I think the makers of Cocaine could at least do us all a
favor and not stop at merely borrowing the name of a horribly
addictive, life-destroying drug.

Go with the inevitable consequences as well.

Anyone for a can of "Hey, My Nose is Bleeding"?