WAR ON BACON - FAT AMERICANS WILL BE JAILED

"Heart Disease is now the number one killer in the U.S. surpassing
cancer."

The federal government announced today plans to end the
artery-clogging lifestyle so many Americans are so fond of. With heart
disease taking over as the number one killer, the government has set
into action a plan to change the way Americans live and eat.

As of January 1, 2002, every American must meet the Surgeon General's
health standards. Physicals will be given and any person not meeting
the requirements will be arrested. Sentencing will be proportional to
the extent the accused is out of shape.

The prisoners will be housed in the general population of our nation's
prison systems. If overcrowding occurs, which is inevitable, it will
be relieved by the release of the more violent criminals up for
parole. The prisoners will have to take cooking and nutrition classes;
they will have mandatory physical-education sessions where they'll
learn proper exercise and fitness. For parole, they'll have to report
to a government office to take treadmill and bloodwork tests. Their
ankle bracelets will monitor their heart rate throughout the day to
assure they are exercising enough to fulfill their sentencing
requirements. The program will be funded by the $500 billion
settlement the federal government received from its lawsuit with the
fast-food industry.

Penalties for those caught producing or distributing junk food will
face the same mandatory minimum laws that have proven so ineffective
in the war on drugs. The infamous three-strikes law will also apply.

So beware backyard BBQers: too much bacon could get you 10 to life.
Parents with fat children will be charged with neglect, wives whose
husbands die of heart disease can be tried for murder.

New inferred technology will be utilized in the war on bacon, to allow
police to see into homes and tell if junk food is being produced or
consumed without the time-consuming task of obtaining search warrants.
The DARE program will also be expanded to include junk food and will
enlist the younger generation to help law enforcement keep an eye on
their parents.

Of course this is a joke. However if this sounds outrageous, keep in
mind it is the same prosecution people face everyday in America for
utilizing a plant that's been used in medicine for more than 4,000
years and has proven safer then aspirin. There are people spending
life sentences with no chance of ever seeing the outside for
non-violent drug offenses. Meanwhile, tobacco executives lie to
congress, kill half a million people a year in the name of profit and
whine about the loss of jobs if their industry is not allowed to prosper.

Death is considered the ultimate consequence, there is no coming back
(as far we know). The most heinous of crimes result in death. The most
severe punishment is death. And the most honorable service is death.

This being true, our government's greatest concern when it comes to
treating "dis-ease" in the population should be directly proportional
to the rate of death caused by that disease.

This being said, here are some quick mortality statistics from the
Center for Disease Control, 1997.

Heart Disease: 726,974
Cancer: 539,577
Alcohol: 44,751
Drug Overdose: 14,843 (legal and illegal drugs)

Total Deaths: 2,314,245

Take a good look at those numbers; over half of all deaths are
inflicted by lifestyle choices people make. This is the hypocrisy of
our government and the non-thinking majority that should outrage
people. If we are to live in a truly free and just society, shouldn't
people be able to ruin their lives if they want? If more than a
million people can kill themselves every year with cigarettes and
bacon, why can't 14,000 kill themselves with illicit drugs?

Seriously though, what needs to be understood is that drug addiction
is a disease. Recreational drug use is not. Just as food, alcohol, and
tobacco addictions are diseases and eating and social drinking are
not. We need to start treating the disease of drug addiction with the
same amount of federal funds and sympathy that we treat cancer and
heart disease.

Just as full legalization of junk food without proper health education
has caused America to balloon into one of the unhealthiest populations
alive - with more than 50 percent of its population overweight and
some 700,000 people dying every year from heart disease - so would
full legalization of illicit drugs fail without proper education as to
the effects of abusing them.

The main concern with full legalization is that everybody will become
liquor-store-robbing junkies, but if anything proves wrong this
concern, it's tobacco. No drug in history has enjoyed more positive
promotion toward coolness than tobacco, despite addiction as powerful
as heroin. A mediocre but truthful public education program about the
risks of smoking has smoker numbers on the decline for the first time
in American history, and the perception of tobacco is changing from
cool to nasty and even deadly. Truthful education is leading people to
make good decisions about tobacco, just as most people would do with
alcohol and just as they would with other drugs.

My solution to the war on drugs, to quote the great profit Bob Marley,
is "Legalize It!" All of it. Spend drug war money on research and
education. Teach people both the risks and rewards of all recreational
drugs from heroin to caffeine, and allow them to make the proper
decisions based on their lifestyles and beliefs. That's true freedom.