IS THAT US: JAYBIRDS AND POTHEADS?

The proposal already has raised the hackles of business leaders and union
members forming to oppose the measure, with one lobbyist singling out Ann
Arbor as an example of municipal government gone astray.

Richard Studley, lobbyist with the Michigan Chamber of Commerce called the
amendment 'radical' ... Studley said Ann Arbor is run by 'city officials
who sit on their thumbs while people run naked through the streets and
smoke dope.'

The Ann Arbor News from a story about petitions being submitted to force a
referendum that would require a two-thirds vote of the Legislature for any
measure that takes exist-ing authority away from local governments.

Diary entries of a typical Ann Arbor city official as imagined by a certain
Lansing lobbyist:

6-6:30 a.m. Out of bed. Jogged naked through neighborhood. Smoked first
joint of the day.

6:30-7:30 a.m. Shaved and showered with soap handmade in Peruvian village.
Dried off with hemp towel. Ate breakfast of tofu, wheat germ, whole wheat
toast with jam made of organic strawberries hand-picked by maidens on
Mexican collective farm. Waited for car pool, got in, everyone naked as
usual, but reefer smoke so thick, it was hard to tell. Catch a second buzz
from second-hand smoke. Wanted to compliment Moonbeamia on new tattoo on
her fanny, but couldn't remember if it was a butterfly or skull with knife
stuck in it. Maybe later.

7:30-8 a.m. Arrived at City Hall. Made pot of coffee using Colombian beans
hand-picked by monks at Juan Valdez Power to the Farmers! Collective so
secretary doesn't have to perform degrading secretarial task. Quickly
scanned report on municipal marijuana patches in city parks. Production up
39 percent. Strength now in Maui Wowee zone. Very good!

8-9 a.m. Busied myself with paperwork for next month's charity 10K Naked
Run for Destitute Nudist Colonies. Asked secretary for "loan" of joint.
"I'll give it back when I'm done," I said. Ha ha. It's a running gag
between us.

9-10 a.m. Met with mayor and city council about ordinance requiring
clothing optional sections in bars and restaurants. Consensus in favor but
some details to be worked out. Do fanny packs constitute clothing? Still,
people need some place to keep their credit cards, lighters and doobies.
Subcommittee formed to work it out.

10-11 a.m. Dictated memos for new signs at city limits welcoming visitors
to city. Under wording of "Welcome to the People's Republic of Ann Arbor!"
will be: "Clothing optional. Marijuana must be carried at all times.
Visiting state legislators, Lansing lobbyists, non-pot smokers and
clothes-wearing prudes must register for travel permits at the People's
Hall of Justice and Surveillance. Failure to read this sign may result in
prison term or $1,000 fine. Don't think we're not on to you."

11 a.m.-noon Studied proposed ordinance that happy hours in bars and
taverns must also feature joints at half-off prices or two for one,
depending on drink offers.

noon-1 p.m. Jogged nude through downtown with the fair Moonbeamia. Tattoo
is a butterfly. Offered compliment. "Thanks," she said, "I wanted a skull
with a knife stuck in it, but the tattoo artist said his skulls always come
out looking like smiley faces." Mentally noted not to get smiley face
tattoo. Spied man in business suit with briefcase aghast at us running
nude. Will nark on him to the Nudity and Marijuana Enforcement Police. One
awkward moment: Had coughing fit after running up South Main Street hill
while trying to smoke joint at same time. Moonbeamia, puffing furiously,
says I'm out of shape.

1-2 p.m. Discussed ways with other city officials to make Hash Bash a
four-day event like Art Fairs. Lots of good ideas: Allow occupancy of hotel
and motel rooms up to 30 persons, require restaurants to reduce prices
especially for "munchies," require pot vendors to get the standard city
permits and offer half-price sales to any buyers who are naked, distribute
reduced-cost bongs at key intersections.

2-3 p.m. Don't remember. Must have been that bomber joint I had at lunchtime.

3-4 p.m. Practiced thumb-sitting. This is harder than most people realize.
Especially when you're nude.

4-5 p.m. Puttered about looking busy between trips to vending machines for
candy bars, potato chips, sandwiches, etc. Don't know why I'm always so
hungry this time of day.

5-6 p.m. Carpool home. Failed to get up nerve to ask Moonbeamia for date.
She looked rather glassy-eyed anyway. Probably wouldn't remember.

6-10 p.m. Ate huge supper of enchiladas, sauerkraut, Thai noodles, fish and
chips, baloney sandwiches and spaghetti. Smoked joint. Walked dog, both of
us naked. Or rather dog walked me. Neighbor mowing lawn in nude. Hmm.
Despite nudity ordinance, wondered if that was wise. Will take it up with
Nudity Committee. Watched TV. "Friends." Or maybe "Survivor." Must check
calendar tomorrow to see what I watched.

10 p.m. Last joint of day. Toke toke. Zzzz zzzz.

Jack Gillard is a copy editor at The Ann Arbor News who thinks Lansing
lobbyists should be forced to work in the nude, which would drastically
reduce their numbers.