SPORTS PAGES PUT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES IN POOR LIGHT

North Country Curmudgeon

Maybe we should just do away with all sports.

Here are some items from just one day's sports section of this newspaper,
picked at random.

* "Owner of Cigar dies at age 78." Rather puzzling: Lots of men, and not a
few women, own cigars. Oh, it's the name of a horse. Imagine having the
media feel that your greatest single accomplishment is owning a horse. My
obituary headline would read: "Owner of Jezebel dies."

As dogs go, Jezebel is not too swift, in either sense, but she's smarter
than any horse that ever lived.

Horse racing is in no sense a sport. To prove that point, answer this
question: How many people would attend the Travers if betting were not
allowed?

About the time this column appears, all local media will begin five weeks
intensive coverage of the horses running at Saratoga, the people who bet on
them, even the hats those people wear. I wouldn't be caught dead in
Saratoga in August, although it's not a bad place in October.

* "Everett blames media for 10-game suspension." I am a dyed-in-the-wool
Red Sox fan, but Carl Everett's behavior, like that of 90 percent of the
overpaid, insufferable babies who take part in professional sports today,
is utterly reprehensible.

To inform those lucky ones who don't know, in a recent game, the umpire
drew a line in the dirt with his toe to show Everett where the boundaries
of the batter's box were. Drawing lines in the dirt is big in baseball, as
it was in Tom Sawyer's amateur boxing activities. Kicking dirt on people,
or putting your nose against theirs, so they can not only hear but feel the
moisture of your words, is also.

Everett went ballistic, put his nose against the umpire's, and banged his
forehead, or at least his batting helmet, against the umpire's head. The
game was on national television; millions of people, including me, saw it.
What happened is not in doubt.

Everett now says the media is responsible for his punishment, and that
"everyone is quick to judge." He has been suspended for 10 games. If I were
in charge, he would be out at least until next spring, and any further
temper tantrums on his part would result in a life suspension.

These guys apparently feel that their sacred honor has been impugned if the
umpire criticizes them. They call it being "dissed," which means
disrespected, and feel that a real man won't take that without a manly act
like headbutting or spitting.

Let me tell you something: Real men don't earn their living playing
children's games. Real men work at something that adds to the worth of the
nation. (Of course, that also lets out selling insurance, stocks or used
cars.)

Real men also have wives and children that they honor, respect, and
support. I won't even mention the dreary numbers of pro athletes that
father kids out of wedlock by multiple women, beat up wives and girlfriends
or hire hit men.

* "NBA suspends Jason Williams." Williams, described as "one of the NBA's
flashiest and most popular players," failed to "comply with his drug
treatment plan." He apparently smoked pot. Again.

I have said, and I still believe, that smoking marijuana should not be an
offense that results in jail time. But as long as we have the law, let's
enforce it equally against everyone.

If you hang out in the ghetto and shoot baskets, and the cops catch you
with pot, you go to jail. If you are a "flashy and popular" sports star,
you get a "drug treatment plan." Even if you snort coke or do heroin, you
get a "drug treatment plan." And if you violate the terms of it 10 or 20
times, you might even get a serious suspension. My God, these guys might as
well be the sons of politicians or chief executives.

* "Auto Racing Roundup." Auto racing is to American life today what
gladiator contests were to ancient Rome.

If a guy is killed playing a team sport, games are canceled and everyone
goes into deep mourning. A few weeks ago, a young man was killed driving a
race car in New Hampshire. Everybody said what a terrible tragedy that was,
and the race was held as scheduled the next day. Everybody drove around and
around past the mess on the wall where the accident had taken place.

You can tell that horse and auto racing aren't sports, because they're not
in the Olympics. The Olympics, however, don't seem quite as Simon-pure as
they used to, with all those revelations about one-time Franco supporter
Juan Manuel Samaranch and the fine, morally upright gentlemen who threw
bribes around left and right to get the games to Utah.

It used to be we could point to tennis as a gentleman's sport. That was
before Connors and McEnroe and that woman who grunts like a pig on every
shot.

Want to know about "honor" among tennis players? We lost the Davis Cup
because Agassi and Sampras were "too hurt" to play. Davis Cup actually pays
a little bit, like 50 grand, but that's not enough to attract the big
stars. And it's getting so they can't round up a team for the baseball
All-Star Game; all those overpaid prima donnas are also "too hurt" to play.

OK, I admit that I had to stray from that particular day's paper, but not
very far, to bring in the story of the sports father who beat another
sports father to death "to teach him a lesson" in an altercation that arose
out of a youth hockey game.

If some parents or coaches are teaching young kids that winning isn't
everything, I'd like to hear about them.

My beloved Glens Falls High School recently went far afield to hire a
football coach. I know nothing against the gentleman, but news accounts
said a lot about his win-loss record, nothing about his teaching ability.

Coaches used to be physical education teachers. An informant tells me that
kids who need tutoring in academic subjects frequently "have to" miss
tutoring sessions because they are attending off-season clandestine
football or basketball practices, such practices being against league
rules.

Maybe we should just do away with all sports. Thank God, we still have
Lance Armstrong and Tiger Woods. Please, please don't disenchant me about
them.

Mark Freeman, a freelance writer and retired teacher, makes his home in
southern Washington County. The North Country Curmudgeon appears regularly
on Sundays and Wednesdays.