CRITICIZE IT

Newsflash: I'm not a pothead. I say this because ever since I wrote
that column last
week about getting too high, my Inbox has been flooded with e-mails
of support for my
"plight to spread the good word about the ol' Mary Jane."

While I appreciate the encouragement and feedback, the truth is I
don't really give a crap about weed. Not that I hate the stuff, or
have anything against anyone smoking it-it's good for a laugh every
now and then and it definitely enhances the consumption of Frito Lay
products-but really, it's no big whup. So I smoked a joint. I don't
think it's that big of a deal. It's not like I admitted to killing a
man, chopping him into pieces, hiding some of his remains in a Burger
King dumpster and then eating the rest in a Satanic ritual that
involved 36 candles and listening to Meat Loaf's Bat Out of Hell album
over and over again three weeks ago.

Is it me, or does it seem that when anyone in the public eye even
casually mentions that they may have smoked pot, they become some kind
of champion for the cannabis? Well, I hate to break it to ya dudes,
but no, I don't want to march in the pot parade or to speak at your
Intro to Law class about legalization. No, we can't hang out sometime
and get baked watching Dazed and Confused-I don't know you, it might
get kinda weird.

Sure, if I'm out somewhere and you offer me a toke, I might not
refuse, but if you see me on the mountain in the summer, don't offer
to get me "blitzed" and join in your game of Ultimate, or to grab some
bongos and "just jam it out for a few." You'll never catch me in a
shirt that says "Baked Fresh Daily" over a pot leaf in wobbly
psychedelic letters, and quite frankly, I don't care that it's 4:20,
except that means my bus is coming. Although it is somewhat impressive
that you can construct a joint that's a 3D replica of the Parliament
building using only scissors, three rolling papers and saliva, the
amount of time it must have taken you to learn that kind of depresses
me.

How did weed culture become so ridiculous anyway? Okay, sure, when
it's over the top like Larry Carlson's Web site, it's actually pretty
amazing and hilarious. But for the most part, aren't all the day-glo
swirly things, aliens with joints in their mouths and pun-y weed
catchphrases pretty cringey?

In fact, I blame the entire weed counterculture industry for the fact
that smoking pot hasn't been widely accepted in our society. When I
was a kid and visited my pothead friends, seeing all their
paraphernalia-posters, t-shirts, screen savers, coasters, ill-fitting
hemp clothing and flags-actually made me want to smoke pot even less.
I never really wanted to "get" the Grateful Dead, or stare at my hand
for half an hour. I thought black lights were pretty unflattering and
that Bob Marley made me sleepy. I never really wanted to believe in
aliens (especially ones smoking weed saying "Have a spaced out day!")
and I never really wanted to own a bong the shape of Homer Simpson's
head. Has it ever occurred to pot activists that society doesn't want
to accept marijuana consumption because it's actually kind of lame?

It's obvious who benefits from the continued criminalization of pot.
Organized crime has a stake in it, as they are the biggest suppliers
of the stuff. And of course law enforcement and the criminal system
can have a constant influx of clients to process, ensuring their livelihood.

Am I for the legalization of pot? Sure. But not because it will allow
for quality control, or because it will free up our crowded jails, our
clogged court system and help take a bite out of gangs. I'm doing it
because I'd like to see less cheesiness around.

Think about it: who really stands to gain if pot stays illegal? There
is one industry whose survival is dependent upon the underground,
counterculture cachet of marijuana consumption. That's right, I'm
talking about the Cat in the Hat hat manufacturers. Without the
outsider aspect of pot smoking, what would people wear to proudly
proclaim that they're totally fried right now and could really go for
some Cheetos? It's obvious the Cat in the Hat headwear people are the
ones to blame for marijuana's criminalization. It's a conspiracy
between them and the Neon Fractal Poster people. Oh, and the Che
Guevara-smoking-a-joint t-shirt lobbyists.

Oh yeah, and the aliens. Dude, of course! The aliens!