WHO REALLY MEETS TEST ON BURDEN OF GUILT?

I had a dream the other night. I had died and gone to heaven. Well, I
wasn't actually in heaven. I was standing in front of the Pearly Gates
and St. Peter was there, as well as another man.

St. Peter explained we had both died at the same time, which brought
us before him at the same time. He also said we would have to take a
"burden of guilt" test to get into heaven. The stranger and I looked
at each other. "What is a `burden of guilt' test?"

St. Pete smiled a saintly smile and explained the test was designed to
indicate the burden of guilt we carried from what we did in life and
any negative consequences to society that we had caused.

The stranger looked worried. "To society?" he asked. "Yes," said ol'
St. Petey.

St. Peter then turned to me and informed me that the stranger was the
CEO of a major brewery. He turned to the CEO and told him that I was a
jailbird convicted of a methamphetamine conspiracy.

The CEO relaxed and smiled, then. He took my hand and shook it and
told me he was sorry that I had failed the test, better luck next time, etc.

St. Pete coughed discreetly, told the CEO the test wasn't a contest
between the two of us, with the winner getting into heaven. He asked
him why he thought -- had it been a contest -- that he would have beat
me.

Mr. CEO looked nonplussed and explained that I was an illegal drug
dealer, and everyone knew how bad meth was. I was a convicted felon,
while he, on the other hand, was a pillar of the community, ran a
legal business, had never been arrested.

St. Peter interrupted the CEO to ask, "Soooo, what's your point?"
Before Mr. CEO could respond, Petey started the test. He asked me the
first question: How many deaths per year were caused directly or
indirectly by the use of methamphetamine?

None that I knew of, I answered, but surely no more than 1,000
worldwide. Close enough, said St. Pete. He then asked the CEO the same
question about alcohol. Mr. CEO hemmed and hawed, turned red, cleared
his throat.

Finally, St. Peter said the answer was at least 100,000 and maybe as
many as 200,000, and that was just in the United States.

The questions came fast and furious then, with the CEO getting buried
under the facts showing that alcohol is, overall, much more harmful to
society than meth.

The number one cause of retardation in newborns is the abuse of
alcohol by pregnant women; 50 percent of all violent crimes are caused
by people drinking alcohol, including 64 percent of all murders in
large urban areas, 68 percent of all manslaughter, 54 percent of all
rapes, 40 percent of all traffic fatalities are caused by drunk
drivers, with drunk-driving accidents being the No. 1 cause of
teen-age deaths.

Alcohol abuse or addiction was the second largest drug problem,
trumped only by nicotine.

And on it went. Of course, my burden of guilt wasn't negligible. It
was just so much less than those, like Mr. CEO, who bring us the drug
alcohol.

I was feeling pretty good by this time, but Mr. CEO had gone quite
pale. He was sweating and tugging at his tie. He kept saying, "Yes,
but alcohol is legal, alcohol is legal."

Finally the test was over. St. Peter tallied up our "burden of guilt"
scores. He shook his head and frowned, then gave a big sigh.

"Obviously, neither one of you is an angel," he told us. "Neither one
of you can get into heaven. At least, not just yet anyway, for one of
you."

He turned to me and said, "Mr. Nichols, your burden of guilt is not
nearly as large as the CEO's. You will have to go to purgatory for a
while. Maybe, just maybe, after a time, you can atone for your sins.

"But you," said St. Peter, as he turned to glare at the brewery
company CEO, "are going straight to hell, where you will burn for eternity!"

As the trap door opened beneath us, and during our long fall from
grace, the CEO kept screaming, "But alcohol is legal!"

I woke up with a start then, my heart beating hard. It took me a few
seconds to realize it had all been a dream and there was no justice. I
was still in prison, in purgatory.

And the CEOs of alcohol-producing companies? Well, alcohol is legal,
regardless of the burden of guilt.