SEND IN THE CLOWNS -- OOPS, WE ALREADY DID

When my children were small, I used to read to them from a book called
The Clown-Arounds. It was all about a family of goofs who ran their
lives according to some clownish ethos calling for big shoes, red noses
and lots of seltzer.

The kids loved it. Which is why I'm surprised at their response to the
Okanagan-Coquihalla by-election, in which the Clown-Arounds tackle
democracy. Shrugs. Rolling eyes. Smirks. Whatever happened to the
giggles and unbridled mirth? I guess now that they're all grown up, the
Clown-Arounds have lost their appeal.

But like the Clown-Arounds of legend, the candidates for the right to
represent the voters of Okanagan etc. don't care. It's all a big lark.

Take the star attraction -- Stockwell Day. He lives in Alberta, not
Penticton, Merritt or Summerland. He spends about as much time in the
riding as I do, and I don't pretend to want to represent it in
Parliament. You're more likely to spot Stockwell at the other end of
the country, giving Joe Clark a hard time in his own ridiculous by-
election than in the Okanagan. He can't debate the aboriginal people;
his busy schedule won't allow it. He has to cancel appearances to meet
the new president of Mexico.

He does plan to turn up in Summerland on Friday and in Merritt on Sept.
9, two days before the election, secure in the knowledge that, as
clowns go, he's the only one with any hope of being taken seriously on
election day.

Then there are his opponents:

Ken Ellis, a 28-year-old NDP substitute schoolteacher who says he's
"never even run as class president before." At least he lives in
Merritt, with his wife, two dogs and cat. His message? Canadians want
the government to spend more money on medicare, education and social
programs.

Rad Gajic, a 53-year-old Prince George businessman who came to Canada
from Yugoslavia in 1968 with $5 in his pocket and no English. He also
has no political experience, but lots of "integrity." Rad's a Stealth
Tory -- he's been a member of Joe Clark's Progressive Conservatives for
the past couple of years but is running as an independent because the
Tories aren't running a candidate in this riding. But that's okay; the
governing party isn't running a candidate either, which leaves the
field pretty much open for the Clown-Arounds. Rad's serious, though --
he even chartered a plane to fly to Penticton to make the Aug. 21
filing deadline. Rad is the only parachute candidate who dares to admit
that he doesn't know much about the riding.

Marc (Boris) Saint-Maurice, who isn't even from the same planet. Boris
is the leader of the federal Marijuana Party and the provincial Bloc
Pot, which drew 10,000 votes in the last Quebec election. Despite his
one-issue advocacy candidacy, he refuses to tell the media about his
own marijuana use, arguing that the state has no business in your
ashtray. On election day, Boris is scheduled to appear in court in
Sault Ste. Marie on a possession charge.

Jim Strauss of Kamloops, another declared herbalist. Mr. Strauss, hale
at 78 thanks to ginkgo biloba etc., believes politicians are ruining
the health-care system. "We don't need politicians. We need people who
have the cure." He says he can permanently remove some forms of chronic
pain in seconds, and I believe him. All he has to do is withdraw his
candidacy.

Joan Russow, self-declared servant of Mother Earth. The federal Green
leader, who lives in Victoria, promises to move if elected. Like Mr.
Ellis, she would like the government to spend more money, but she would
like the agriculture department to underwrite organic farming. When
she's not railing against genetically modified crops, she's complaining
to Elections Canada that Mr. Day keeps slipping out of all-candidates
meetings. What's she complaining about? He'll be in, uh, Merritt,
wherever that is, on Sept. 9.

Jack Peach, 47, and Dennis Baker, 40, both residents of Penticton, who
apparently don't have enough to do. Mr. Baker would like to put young
offenders into the air (not space) cadets rather than into jail. Mr.
Peach, a little higher up the food chain, opposes Mr. Day's flat tax,
just like Jean Chretien, who's not running a candidate in this riding.
Did I mention that already?

Am I saying this is a farce? Duh. A farce that Stockwell Day is going
to win in a walk because the government of the day treats the 301
parliamentary constituencies as pawns on a chessboard, allowing various
circus acts to enjoy a moment in the spotlight, avoiding any real
discussion of the issues, regional or national. The Prime Minister is
bestowing a fiefdom on a rival duke, while the rest of us stand around
and mutter dark thoughts about democracy.

No wonder my kids don't think it's funny any more.