RETIRED SHERIFF'S DEPUTY UNDERSTANDS THE FEELING

As retired sheriff's deputy Gary Deckard read news accounts of a Modesto
police officer shooting an 11-year-old boy to death, emotions flooded
through him.

Deckard knows first-hand the angst that is wracking officer David Hawn, the
SWAT team member who killed Alberto Sepulveda during a drug raid early
Wednesday.

It was 11 years ago that Deckard and deputy Raul DeLeon entered a motel
room during a drug raid and accidentally shot Steve Blanusa. Blanusa was no
stranger -- he was their partner, their friend.

"I read the story today about the fatal shooting and I put myself in the
officer's shoes," Deckard said Thursday. "I felt the emotions he's going
through all over again."

Deckard spoke candidly about the horror of accidentally shooting someone.

"It consumes you day in and day out," he said. "You play it over and over
in your mind hundreds of times. Even today, 11 years later, I still think
about it all the time."

In the days after the shooting, nerves are frayed.

"You are irritable and can't focus, and you don't want to talk to anyone,"
Deckard said.

"You have trouble sleeping, and when you do fall asleep you have nightmares
and wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it. Thinking about what if Steve
would have died," he added.

"Steve told me he felt lucky we didn't kill him. He said he couldn't
believe he got shot."

Deckard worked with police psychologist Dr. Philip S. Trompetter to help
him cope with the shooting.

It bothered him that people would ask him how Blanusa was getting along and
recovering. "But no one asked me how I was doing, and that was hard for me."

Not letting his emotions stay bottled up helped Deckard save his sanity.

"Talking about the shooting really helped me," he said. "Everyone wants to
talk to you: your family, co-workers and friends. They don't know what
you're going through. ...

"It took me a week before I could talk to Steve about the shooting," he
said. "Fortunately, there was no issue of blame. Steve understood how it
happened. He understood that things happen so quick when you're making an
entry (during a raid)."

Days went by and the partners were able to talk a little about what took
place during the motel raid. But it took several years before they were
able to discuss details of the shooting.

Today, Deckard said, he and Blanusa are able to joke about the incident.

"We talk about the shooting lightheartedly," he said. "We're still good
friends."

Blanusa never returned to duty with the Sheriff's Department and Deckard
retired in 1995. DeLeon is now a sheriff's lieutenant and commander of the
Stanislaus Drug Enforcement Agency.

Deckard imagines that Hawn must be having a difficult time coping with the
fatal shooting.

"Hawn will be going through so many different emotions in the days to come;
with his family and about what his co-workers think of him," he said.