I'VE ZERO TOLERANCE OF DOPE-SMOKING BORES

SMOKING cannabis, bush, dope, hash, weed, grass - or whatever you want to
call it - IS criminal. But only because it turns people into unmitigated
bores.

At college I lost count of the number of potentially great parties that
became dreary, drab collections of pontificating drongos as soon as a joint
was passed round.

And if I had a quid for every new students who turned up wearing a smart
V-neck sweater, discovered the evil weed and emerged the next day with
unwashed armpits in a Dead Kennedy's "Too Drunk To F*" T-shirt and talking
about the revolution, I'd be sipping Pina Coladas in my Caribbean mansion
right now.

Of course there never was a revolution, because they were all so stoned
that talking about it was just about all they could manage. Which is why I
simply cannot get worked up about Ann Widdicombe's "zero tolerance"
initiative to stamp down on users of this dreary drug.

One glass of wine does not lead to a bottle of whiskey a day, unless you
have an addictive personality, in which case nothing will stop you anyway.
Similarly, one joint does not lead to an injection of heroin.

Smoking cannabis, or being offered it has been pretty much apart of college
life for decades. Most go on to lead normal, successful lives.

The thought that some hapless youth might have their future career
threatened by a drug record for one joint seems overly Draconian.

Apart from the time I ate a lively piece of gateaux in an Amsterdam"coffee
shop", went to my hotel for a lie down and woke up eight hours later, my
brush with cannabis was unremarkable.

It was also brief because, as explained above, it simply sends me to sleep.

LEGLESS

As a parent myself, I fully expect my daughter to be offered a joint at
some point in her life.

Faced with the choice of her getting legless somewhere on the legal drug of
vodka and Red Bull or smoking a joint, I'd opt for the latter.

I would rather she said: "No thanks!", but as I won't be there at the time,
all I can do is equip her with the facts about various drugs and let her
make her own informed decisions.

All the parents can do is build up their child's self-esteem by letting
them know you respect their judgment telling them you feel sure they won't
let you down, then sitting back and keeping your fingers crossed as they
find their own way in the world.

Hopefully, you will have given them the confidence to resist any peer
pressure to take drugs if they don't want to, particularly the Class A ones
that really are worrying.

Failing that, lectures don't seem to work but subtle, unspoken signs can
work wonders.

Just quietly leave a picture of Danniella Westbrook's disintegrating nose
on the kitchen table.