FREEDOM TERRITORY: OUR GOVERNMENT'S WAR ON DRUGS

The War on Drugs is over! Pretty much over. Mission accomplished,
people! Pretty close to accomplished that is. Good work people. I've
prepared a speech for the Decider in Chief:

Good People of 'Merica. Today's a victory for freedom in our
territory. Now we can start over with clean feet. In this battle, we
have fought for the cause of liberty and for the peace of the world.
I'm pretty proud of us. Because of you, our nation is more secure.
Because of you, the evil hippies have fallen and former stoners are free.

Operation Humboldt Freedom was carried out with a combination of
precision, military-issued methamphetamines and boldness the enemy
did not expect - they totally knocked over their bongs. The nation
would like to thank 50 people from Poland and Jerry Cuola of
Australia, who joined our noble cause and shared the hardships of war.

Things are gonna' change fer freedom. We'll try and show you some
pictures of people celebrating. In the images of knocked over
six-foot bongs we've witnessed the arrival of a new era of potheads
getting what's comin' to 'em. Decades of people having drugs forced
on them will be replaced by hundreds of years of liberating
supervision of what 'Mericans can put in their bodies. I sure hope
this scares them terrorists too.

'Cause I want to send a message - we're in charge. We'll spend lots
of money we don't have to stay in charge. We'll fight pointless
economic wars militarily and prove we don't know what we're doing to
stay in charge. That's 'cause we're in charge. Don't mess with Texas.

That took a lot out of me. Speechmaking is hard. Faking a Texas
accent is hard. Maybe if I had been born in Connecticut, went to prep
school in Massachusetts, got my Bachelor's at Yale in Connecticut and
my MBA at Harvard in Massachusetts I would have a more natural Texas
accent. This War on Drugs thing, I'm so glad it's over and the drug
users have been liberated. I predict this weekend in Isla Vista to be
the first of many 100 percent Super-Sober weekends for those of us
under 21 attending this fine university. What a wondrous feeling to
be liberated from control over my own body!

Think about the government like a psych major: The government is the
real world externalization of your internal mother. The government
told you to clean your room when you were a kid. The government made
sure you respected your elders and went to church every Sunday. And
now that you're in college the government is still exactly like your
mother; it sits in your dorm room and tells you whether or not you
can smoke pot today. Survey says... No way, JosZ. Put down the bong.
Mother government is looking out for you and making sure you don't
control your own body.

But there is a problem. I know I said mission accomplished. Yaddah.
Yaddah. Yaddah. And I meant what I said, but the drug war isn't
actually over. But you can help the government have control over your
body. Measure P is trying to decriminalize marijuana. The law would
mean that prosecuting small marijuana infractions would become a low
priority. It should be the highest priority - a priority we make so
high it can't stop laughing or control its monstrous hunger for
hippie blood. We can't cut and run. What are you gonna cut it with?
Oregano? I hope my readers are beginning to understand the dangers of
a hip lifestyle.

If people think they have the right to put marijuana in their own
bodies on their own time, what could be next? People would think they
own their lungs and their stomachs. People would assume they own
their hearts and minds too. Minds? As you can see it's a slippery
slope. Soon people will assume that their whole body is their own
possession and not a servant of the state. For the love of the
government, one nation under God and your beautiful and seductive
mother, vote "No" on Measure P.

Daily Nexus columnist Eric Hedlund is tripping out, man.