AMORE OVER AMOR

You've no doubt heard about the Sheriff Department's recent plan to spend
over $49,000 of drug forfeiture money to build a tank for busting SLO
County's drug lords. No joke. The technical name for the proposed
steel-plated vehicle is "armored personnel carrier" or something like that.
Former New Times managing editor Rick Jackoway wrote about the department's
tank thingy in Sunday's Tribune - and I hear that right after the article
appeared, Sheriff Patrick Hedges decided the vehicle's first use would be
to plow through Jackoway's house.

This week, Hedges told the Board of Supervisors that he wanted to clear up
all this silly misinformation foisted on the masses by Jackoway. And what,
exactly, was amiss about the information? Turns out Hedges was furious
because Rick had called it a "tank" when it's really just a "light armored
utility vehicle," which I agree sounds downright harmless and cuddly
compared to a "tank."

Said Hedges: "A tank is offensive and has gun turrets and cannons. This is
a vehicle built on a one-ton Dodge chassis that protects officers from
rifle fire."

But what really frosts the Sheriff's Twinkies is that ever since the
article, he's been the butt of tank jokes. He went to a Christmas party and
someone asked if he'd brought along his tank; at a meeting, some guy asked
if his calculator was the tank's remote control.

Very funny. But I can come up with better ones: So Pat, is that a tank in
your pocket, or are you just happy to bust me? Besides, as the druggies
always sarcastically say, "Hey! You just ran over my bong - tanks a lot!"
And gee, Pat, with a crazy, armor-plated idea like this, maybe your
deputies should check into a metal institution. while we're on the subject,
take the tanks - please! (Budda-bump!)

And hey, Rick - tanks for the memories.