WINNIE THE PILL POPPER?

SYMPTOMS -- Impulsive, obsession with honey, poor memory, short attention span.

Diagnosis -- Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, obsessive-compulsive
tendencies, possible Shaken Bear Syndrome

Treatment -- Low-dose stimulant

Patient -- Winnie the Pooh

In a spoof of the lit-psych fad, a group of Canadian pediatricians analyzed
A.A Milne's classic children's stories and found a hotbed of psychiatric
disorders. In addition to Pooh's need for Ritalin, they recommend
psychoactive drugs for Eeyore (depression), Piglet (anxiety disorder) and
Tigger (risk-taking, socially intrusive behavior, hyperactivity).

Indeed, virtually all of Milne's characters are "seriously troubled,''
according to the Dalhousie University study, "Pathology in the Hundred Acre
Wood,'' published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.

Christopher Robin is high risk for gender identity issues, based on the
original illustrations, and spends too much time talking to animals.

Owl is dyslexic.

Rabbit, self-important, self-deluded and bossy, belongs in senior hospital
administration.

The prognosis is poor for Kanga, a single mother, and baby Roo. The study
foresees an older, blowsier Kanga "struggling to look after several joeys
conceived in casual relationships with different fathers, stuck at a dead
end with inadequate financial resources.''

As for Roo, "We predict we will someday see a delinquent, jaded, adolescent
Roo hanging out late at night at the top of the forest, the ground littered
with broken bottles of extract of malt and the butts of smoked thistle.''

Similar concerns have been raised by Disney's Ask Me Eeyore doll, which
disdains the usual perky chatter of stuffed animals. True to his gloomy
nature, Eeyore's outlook is decidedly negative. "Doesn't look good,'' he
sighs. "You can't win them all.''

No doubt a little Prozac would perk him right up.