YOU OWE IT TO YOUR KIDS TO BE OPEN WITH THEM

Dear Sheldon:

Please help solve a running debate between my husband and I over a serious
parenting disagreement. First some background: Zack (not his real name) and
I are products of the early 1970s drug culture. We both tried just about
every drug available at the time, but only liked pot. We have continued to
be pot smokers ever since. I have a joint or two on the weekends; Zack
smokes one marijuana cigarette late in the evening, pretty well every
night. When our kids were little, it was no problem keeping this activity
completely private and separate from them. Now they are approaching their
mid-teens.

We are generally very open with our kids and they are open with us. The
only major discussions we have had about drugs have been after they have
heard what we think is misinformation from the school or from their
friends. I know they think we are quite liberal but I am quite sure they
are not interested in drugs of any kind. One of these days, they are bound
to discover that we use pot.

I want to tell them about our usage before that happens. Zack disagrees
strongly and feels we should keep this a secret indefinitely, or until
personal use of pot is finally legalized. He has been very emphatic about
teaching them about right and wrong. We both hope they won't take it up,
and if they do, not until they are older. I don't like keeping secrets from
my kids, and I dread being confronted if and when they figure it out
someday. I am not embarrassed about our use, but about our lack of honesty
with them. I also want them to feel they can discuss anything they want
with us and I don't want them to feel there is a double standard. What do
you suggest? -- Arguing at the Coast

Dear Arguing,

I don't see how you can have it all in this situation. It sounds like you
both plan to continue this behaviour regardless of the legal issue involved
or the example you are setting. Many children grow up in homes where
parents drink alcohol openly, and providing the consumption is moderate and
well controlled, no harm seems to happen. On the one hand, to tell them to
do as you say and not as you do is not helpful. You are the role models for
your children and risk being hypocrites if you set a standard for them that
you yourselves are not prepared to follow. On another hand, I am not crazy
about secrets like this when they can affect childrens' attitudes and how
they learn about the world. To be credible, I think that you should be open
with them. As they get older, Zack should know that they are bound to
figure out what is going on. I think it is time for a discussion with them
to explain your positions and conduct in this area. This discussion should
include matters of right and wrong, using substances to cope with life, and
choosing when to abide by the law and when not to. There is a lot that can
be learned from a talk like this that could help prepare your children to
make their own, informed decisions in life. I'd rather they learned about
these things from you than from their friends or on the street.