A FRIEND IN WEED

Pot Coulda Been a Contender in DeVore Race. Then the Terminator
Harshed His Mellow

Things were looking great for industrial hemp this summer. Thanks to
the, erm, joint efforts of polar opposite state assemblymen--openly
gay leftist Mark Leno (D-Baghdad by the Bay) and openly militarized
right-winger Chuck DeVore (R-NewBenz Riche)--a bill to legalize the
non-high-making cousin of marijuana (a.k.a. pot, grass, chronic, the
Devil's Weed, Widespread Panic Parking Lot Breakfast Combo) won
bipartisan support in both state houses. And then, after Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger's signage was considered inevitable--you've seen those
Pumping Iron scenes, right?--he up and vetoed the bill in September,
saying it conflicted with federal law.

That's, of course, a shame for the bill's supporters, hemp-product
makers, consumers, tree huggers, global un-warmers and on and on.
Let's all spark one for 'em, shall we?

What's really funked up about the whole mess is the removal of
industrial hemp--and the inevitable spin-off into decriminalization
of the other hemp--from the political debate now being waged by
DeVore and his Nov. 7 challenger, Democrat Michael "Don't Call Me
Danny" Glover.

Now, we could have raised these issues with the candidates
themselves, and gotten the usual "am, too" "are not" answers (thanks,
political gridlock!). But who gives a rat's ashtray about their views
anyway? DeVore could kill a guy--besides the guys he kills as a
decorated lieutenant colonel in the California Army National
Guard--and still win that race by 20 percentage points. So let's
instead turn to the real loser in this sorry episode.

OC Weekly: First off, how are you holding up through all of this?

Pot Plant: Oh, I have my good days and bad days. For a while there it
felt as if we were headed toward those halcyon days of the mid-1970s,
when everyone was openly wearing straw cowboy hats with feathered
roach clips clipped to their bands, there were Naugles at every
corner to cater to your all-night munchie needs, and Jimmy Carter was
the only man in America who wasn't high. To then have the proverbial
magic carpet pulled out from under you is a real bummer. Dude.

How do you even soldier on?

Well, I'm heartened by something that soldier Chuck DeVore said on OC
Blog. I was so moved I actually carved it into my nightstand:
"Politics is part of the bargain in the nation in which we live. I am
not discouraged and expect I'll try again in some fashion or another."

Deep.

Little known secret: when I'm feeling blue, my buds actually turn
blue, which means they are at their most potent.

Speaking of that, we should make it clear to readers that you and
your cousin industrial hemp are two completely different things.

That's right. The bill ol' Chucky co-authored with Jay Leno...

You mean Mark Leno...

Yes, DeVore and Jared Leto's bill would have defined my cuz as a
"non-psychoactive agricultural product," as industrial hemp has less
than 0.3 percent of the chemical compound tetrahydrocannabinol, or
THC. I, meanwhile, pack 5 to 15 percent THC, which produces
psychoactive effects like making you humans attracted to hacky sack,
jam bands and black-light posters.

Bragger.

Whatever gets me the chicks.

But you're still related to industrial hemp, right?

Yes, we're part of the same family but we're quite opposite. Think of
my cousin as Dick Cheney and me as his daughter Mary.

Whoa, you really do get the chicks. Speaking of groping women, I
don't understand Arnold Schwarzenegger in all of this? Hell, the bill
had the backing of Tom McClintock, fer chrissakes. He wouldn't know a
joint if someone gave it to him as a suppository.

Look, as Mike Schroeder, the former California Republican Party
chairman-turned-Orange County sheriff and district attorney
kingmaker, has so eloquently pointed out, Schwarzenegger is out of
step with his conservative base when it comes to fiscal policy,
judicial appointments and choosing a Democratic carpet muncher as his
chief of staff. With Schroeder and his ilk making noise about
un-endorsing Arnold for governor, he couldn't very well appear soft on drugs.

But that's insane. Industrial hemp is not a drug.

Tell that to Central Valley farming conglomerates--another huge part
of Arnold's power base. They opposed the DeVore-Lego bill as well
because industrial hemp's many uses--paper, textiles, fuel,
lubricant, damn fine yummy waffles--threaten their established crops.

Isn't that short-sighted? This bill would have allowed
farmers--which, last time I checked, that's what these guys are--to
grow hemp for use as car parts, personal care products, building
materials, all kinds of stuff their current crops cannot be converted
into. We're supposed to be weaning ourselves from foreign oil, and
here's this product that produces oil.

What do I look like? Their spokesman? I don't even have a mouth.

It does sound as if they've been smoking you.

No, I picture them more as meth men.

And amyl nitrate.

For their sheep.

So, to finally get to the point of this long, strange trip we've been
on, the real tragedy here is that with a conservative like DeVore
backing the industrial hemp bill, had it succeeded, his Democratic
opponent could have tried to one-up him by expanding the argument to
include legalization of you.

Mercy, I would never want that.

You wouldn't?

Heavens, no. You know how much I haul in being available only on the
black market?

Well, yes, but, come on: we all know that many of industrial hemp's
supporters just see its farming, distribution and use as a first step
toward making you more acceptable, that people will be so psyched
about industrial hemp's many uses that they'll logically say, "Hey, I
wonder what other organic uses we can enjoy from other plants in the
same family?" and that in no time at all restaurants will have toking
and non-toking sections, PTAs will have pot plant sections at their
bake sales and Girl Scouts will be knocking on our door selling
loaded brownies along with their cookies.

Whether the baked goods Girl Scouts sell door-to-door are loaded or
unloaded, I still figure into the equation.

Speaking of equations, hemp is already a $300 million-a-year industry
in the United States, and North Dakota has been successful after a
similar bill there won bipartisan support and the support of their
governor. Won't the market simply force the issue in California?

Easy, boy: my accountants have them pegged at only $270,374,060 and 31 cents.

Only?

Heh-heh, my boutiques--what you call medical marijuana clubs--haul in
more than that when no one's looking.

And if we legalized it all--pot and industrial hemp, you and your
cousin--we could tax you both up the wazoo to solve our state's
myriad fiscal problems.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-tax? Bite your tongue, heathen! You know what, I changed
my mind: Schwarzenegger was right. Where's my buddy Mike Schroeder to
sic the sheriff on you? Down with hemp! Down with hemp! Screw Jared
Leto! Vote for Danny Glover!