HOLLYWOOD CRACKLIST

Robert Downey Jr. is living embodiment of a tawdry Hollywood pattern. On
April 24, he was arrested in Culver City, Ca. after being found, yet again,
under the influence of a "controlled substance." He has since checked
himself into a Los Angeles rehabilitation clinic. Given his previous
troubles with the law, Downey may go directly from rehab to jail.

Naturally, the actor will have plenty of offers to choose from when he gets
out. As Anne Kingston wrote on Thursday, Hollywood's drug-addicted stars
follow "a rite of passage more predictable than Greek tragedy." First,
Downey will do his "I've beaten it" interview on Entertainment Tonight.
Then, who knows -- perhaps Ally McBeal will take him back. His character's
absence and return from the eponymous show will be explained in a "very
special episode", in which Downey's character will give a tear-stained,
all-too-true-to-life account of drug addiction and recovery. "Downey has
rid himself of the drug-addled ghost within by exorcising it on the set of
Ally," the critics will say. He'll give speeches to schoolchildren and
maybe even dine at the White House. Then, he'll go out partying. If he
doesn't die in the process, as did stars such as River Phoenix and John
Belushi, the Greek tragedy will begin its next screening.

There is no reason why the studios should continue to underwrite this
self-destructive melodrama. Why should repeated cocaine and heroin use
disqualify a person from playing major league baseball or competing in the
Olympics -- but not from appearing on a television show watched by
millions? Through the binge-and-repent drug cycle, Hollywood's customers
have come to play the role of what therapists call co-dependents, buying
out People magazine whenever it splashes Betty Ford's latest success story
on its cover, and then buying it out again later when the same star appears
in a different pose. Perhaps, if there weren't a dozen scripts waiting for
them when they bounced back, Robert Downey et al. would think twice before
succumbing to their addictions.