DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH IN ALL THIS SMOKE

"I don't think I want pot to be decriminalized," a friend once told me as
we sat on his balcony, him smoking a spliff, me yammering on about the
evils of the war against drugs.

"It's the only law I break on a regular basis," he continued. "It makes me
feel like I'm doing something taboo. The rest of the time I'm such a good guy."

It's a good thing he feels that way, because it's not going to happen. If
you are a marijuana advocate who has been fooled by the attention the war
on drugs has been getting in the media lately, wake up and smell the smoke
being blown up your ... oh, right, can't write that. Onward.

Of course, we can't touch this issue without making the
medicinal/recreational distinction. Medicinal toking might be legalized and
the cops around here might have to find other ways to make themselves feel
like big men besides busting places with names like the Compassion Club.
But beyond that, nothing is going to happen, even though anyone with an IQ
of over 70 knows decriminalizing pot would be the smartest thing to do.

Last Tuesday, Jean Chretien told reporters that although he supports
legalization for medicinal purposes, he simply said No when asked whether
his government intends to decriminalize marijuana possession. Why? For the
same reason he probably wouldn't have shoved that protester if he didn't
know he was well protected. He doesn't have the guts. And who can blame him?

Canada has invested a lot of money in the war against drugs and as you
might have read in Saturday's Gazette, cannabis offences accounted for
three-quarters of drug-related offences in 1999. Remove those offences and,
as Tom Naylor, professor of economics at McGill University, pointed out,
the so-called "drug problem" becomes quite minuscule. That would be
embarrassing.

But the embarrassment would be nothing compared with the wrath of the
United States, the superpower with whom we share the longest unprotected
border in the world. How long do you think all that good will would last if
we were to decriminalize the herb?

We're talking about a country that invested $1.3 billion in Plan Colombia,
the purpose of which, according to that country's president, Andres
Pastrana, is to help eliminate the production of drugs, generate
employment, boost trade and bring peace to the country - the practice of
which includes aerial spraying of herbicides on to legal and illegal crops
alike, killing the livelihood of peasant farmers, not to mention poisoning
waters and endangering Colombia's fragile ecosystem.

We're talking about a country that bars people from entering if they've
ever smoked pot in their life. And they do ask you. I know people who have
been asked.

Smuggling would become an immense problem and the U.S. would never put up
with it.

Knock, knock! Who's there? A Canadian. Get out of the car and keep your
hands where I can see 'em!

And what would all that ill will do to trade policies? Can we afford to
find out?

Let us suppose for one moment that there might be one or two corrupt cops
or politicians out there working with the Mafia and the bikers who control
the drug trade. And let us just suppose that the Mafia and the bikers might
not want pot decriminalized because it would cut into their revenue. That
also might cause a little ill will.

Back to reality. The fact of the matter is, Chretien simply won't take the
risk, and I can't think of a politician who would. Joe Clark has made his
pro-decriminalization stance clear but a) Will the Tories ever get into
office again? And b) If they did, would his conviction go the way of
Chretien's GST promise? I'm willing to bet $17 (that's all I have in the
bank) that the answer is b.

I hope I'm wrong and if anyone in office is reading this, please take it as
a challenge. Stand up and do something right, you pussy! Come on. Prove me
wrong! I dare you.