WOWSERISM IS ALIVE IN SALIDA

It's time to hold a contest for the "most tasteless display of red, white
and blue wowserism." Wowserism is one of those sentiments that salesmen try
to call "patriotism," but there are substantial differences.

Patriotism is an honest affection for one's country. Wowserism is an
attempt to sell or promote flags, decals, stickers and other merchandise
and schemes. The sales pitches come in many forms, but the main one lately
is "unless you buy into this, your neighbors will think you're supporting
bin Laden and the Taliban."

Just where that puts the drug warriors is a good question. Afghanistan had
been the world's leading producer of opium before the Taliban took control
of most of the country a few years ago. As it had with anything else that
might provide pleasure, like motion pictures, the Taliban cracked down on
poppy planting. Opium production dropped from 4,500 tons to about a tenth
as much, with most of that coming from regions outside the Taliban's control.

For some reason, our drug warriors haven't been celebrating this as a
triumph. For that matter, we haven't been hearing much lately from them
about how Colombia presents the major threat to the American Way of Life.

In a sort of reverse wowserism, we could observe that anyone who supports
the war on drugs, especially the attacks on cultivation, is on the same
side as the Taliban and is thus the enemy of truth and justice. Of course,
if you needed that convoluted logic to be convinced that the war on drugs
is an assault on the Constitution that we're all supposed to be honoring
and defending, then I hope you got a good price when you sold your frontal
lobes.

Back to wowserism, and whoever is making a mint selling all those little
flags that flutter on car antennas. You're unpatriotic if you don't buy and
display one to show your support for the cause, but if you do install one,
how do you display it in the proper and respectful manner?

Already these flags are tattered, and do you know anyone who takes his down
at night, or else arranges for it to be lit? Of course not. A patriot, when
displaying our flag, does so properly. A wowser doesn't care what happens,
just as long as he gets his percentage - and can accuse you of being
unpatriotic if you don't buy something from him.

Cars and flags aren't a good mix anyway. Used-car dealers like to call
attention to themselves, which can be hard in some jurisdictions that
sensibly ban the arrays of gaudy flashing lights.

The attention-hungry dealer then installs a tall flagpole and hoists a
40-foot American flag. Those who complain are then asked, "Why do you have
a problem with somebody proudly flying our flag?" The real question should
be, "Why are you abusing our flag to force people to look at your car lot?"

Here in Salida, the wowser assault was aimed at Tenderfoot Hill, an
eminence that rises about 600 feet above town just across the river from
the end of F Street.

In the 1930s, high school students installed a big whitewashed "S" on the
hillside, and at the top was a star that was illuminated during the holidays.

About a decade ago, some people got the idea that with the proper lighting,
it could be made to look like "the world's largest Christmas tree." This
was duly accomplished, and though I thought it was tacky at first, well,
it's sort of like the City and County Building holiday lights in Denver -
you get used to it.

But those lights stayed on only from Thanksgiving until New Year's, and so
new lights were added for the rest of the year. Now there's a big red
outline of a heart (for "Heart of the Rockies," a Salida slogan that goes
back about 70 years). At 10-minute intervals through the night, it
alternates with white lights that form the outline of the letter S.

Neither is so bright as to obscure the stars and, besides, when bulbs go
out, we can joke that Salida is either "half-essed" or "half-hearted."

But that isn't enough for the wowsers. Earlier this month, the glowing
letters "JD" flanked the heart through the night, in honor of a John Denver
festival here.

Even before the JD lights, there were proposals to install new lights on
Tenderfoot Hill in the form of an American flag.

Then, at a city council meeting last week, another wowser proposal: Instead
of just an illuminated S, make it a glowing USA, which would presumably
indicate that this is a generic part of the USA, rather than an
idiosyncratic little American town with its initial on its closest hill.

But I'm feeling better about this idiosyncratic little American town. Every
letter on the topic in the local paper has been in opposition. Maybe we can
save the S from the wowsers, and after that, who knows? Maybe a movement to
reclaim our flag?