JUST SAY 'KNOW': HOW TO KEEP KIDS OFF DRUGS? PARENTS HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE.

There is no gentle way for Ashley Schenck to break this to us. We may
indeed be the all-knowing parents of the millennium generation, enlightened
and alert and heard it all before. She may indeed be just a 16-year-old
from Lincoln.

But, still: this idea of talking to our kids about the dangers of drugs?

We're missing it.

Possibly missing it badly.

And almost certainly missing it more than we think we are.

"Parents, in a lot of ways, are not necessarily in denial but something
close to it," says Schenck, a senior at Lincoln High School. "You can't
just tell your kids once about drugs. When you tell them just once to clean
their room, do they clean it?

"Parents have got to get over that."

As Red Ribbon Week dawns, research indicates that Schenck couldn't be more
right. Some 98 percent of parents report that they've talked to their kids
about drugs, according to a 1998 poll by the Partnership for a Drug-Free
America. But only 65 percent of teens can recall the conversation, and only
27 percent said they were learning

a lot at home about the risks of drugs.

Other studies in recent years have yielded similar numbers. The canyon
between perception and reality is a wide and dangerous one, and it has been
known to swallow whole families.

"Children are generally doing drugs, smoking marijuana, at twice the rate
that parents assume," says Tamu Mitchell, director of research and
knowledge development for People Reaching Out, a group that specializes in
substance-abuse prevention and education. Mitchell is also a Robert Wood
Johnson Foundation fellow.

"I think it's very hard for parents to imagine, for example, that their 12-
or 13-year-old may be beginning to smoke marijuana or drink, because
they're still (the parents') babies."

Not our kids, though, we say. Our family is different. ... We have a
wonderful relationship with our kids. ... They wouldn't dare use drugs;
they know how severe the punishment would be.

We satisfy ourselves of our own parenting prowess and move on. But maybe,
the experts say, we should stop long enough to ask ourselves some
objective, telltale questions.

Have we talked to our kids this week -- in any way -- about substance
abuse? Have we talked to them about it for at least 30 minutes in the last
month?

Have we elaborated about choices, asked our children what they know about
drugs, talked about specific drug dangers? Have we resisted the impulse to
say simply, "Don't do drugs, or else"?

If our answer is "no" to any of these, then the startling truth is this:
We, the all-knowing parents, are increasing the likelihood that our
children will use drugs.

"Parents really want to distance themselves and say, 'That's not my kid,' "
says Toni Moore, alcohol and drug program administrator for Sacramento
County. "We've got to think more in terms of harm-reduction strategies for
our kids."

Experts agree that parents are far and away the greatest deterrent to their
children using drugs and alcohol.

Kids who learn from parents about the risks of drugs are 36 percent less
likely to smoke marijuana than kids who don't, 50 percent less likely to
use inhalants, 56 percent less likely to use cocaine and 65 percent less
likely to use LSD, according to the Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

Those crucial conversations, however, cannot bud without a proper
environment. And virtually every anti-drug organization in the country
stresses that the proper environment can only be created one way: through
"hands-on" parenting.

Hands-on parenting is not necessarily a popular thing -- particularly to
those being parented. Most teens and tweens have a remarkable instinct for
keeping us out of their business, for resisting rules and parental
monitoring, for going where they want, hanging out with whomever they want
and listening to whatever they want.

Our job is to trust our instincts more than theirs.

"Some parents are afraid to be hands-on because they're afraid it's going
to damage their relationship with the child," Mitchell says. "Nothing could
be further from the truth. The more hands-on you are, the more you show
them that you care and that you're going to be there.

"It really is a win-win for both sides."

Maria Santos of Fair Oaks can bear witness. She decided very early to take
a hands-on approach with her daughter Felice, now 16, and son Leland, 11.
She butted her nose into their lives, kept them running to tae kwon do and
piano lessons, listened to their music, monitored where they were.

"I know their friends. I know their friends' parents," Santos says. "I tell
(Felice) that any study groups are happening here at our house; they're not
happening at anyone else's house.

"People call me strict or overprotective. If that's what I'm labeled, I'm
fine with that."

It's not just about monitoring teenagers or keeping them accountable.
According to Mitchell, hands-on parenting has a way of creating
conversations. And the more conversations we have with our children about
everyday things, the more comfortable our children will be when it's time
to talk serious issues such as substance abuse.

"Some parents, they just want to be popular with their kids. They don't
want to be the bad guy," says Schenck, the 16-year-old from Lincoln. "But
they have to get over that. That might even include sneaking around a kids'
room or something, but the point is that they need to care enough to be
involved."

The drug conversations themselves can take any number of forms, depending
on a child's age and personality. A 15-year-old doesn't need to hear the
basics on drug temptations; almost assuredly, he's already made choices
about drugs on numerous occasions. A 6-year-old doesn't need to know the
consequences of using Ecstasy but can learn a lot about peer pressure and
making the right, courageous choices.

Many parents, in fact, wait too long to begin talking to children about
substance abuse.

"Who looks at their toddler and has the thought of drug prevention? You
just don't do that," Mitchell says. "But you need to have a groundwork for
the conversations that are coming later. Talk about somebody smoking a
cigarette on TV -- 'Is that a good decision? Why not?'

"If you don't lay some groundwork, by the time you have those
conversations, you may not be doing prevention anymore. You may already be
at a stage of intervention."

The schoolyard drug culture isn't really foreign to American parents; most
grew up with similar pressures themselves. One trap that ensnares some
parents is the belief that the drug scene has changed drastically with the
popularity of party drugs like Ecstasy.

In reality, the biggest drug threats to kids have been the same for
decades: tobacco, alcohol, marijuana. Kids virtually never graduate to
cocaine, methamphetamine or "party drugs" until they've dabbled in these
three first.

"Don't be too worried about the designer drugs, because it's a minority of
kids going down that path," says Moore. "If that's what you think is the
problem and that's what you're looking for, you might completely miss the
indications of the gateway drugs like smoking and alcohol."

School and media anti-drug campaigns can help, to be sure. But they won't
ever pack the wallop that parental conversations can, should we parents
choose to flex our conversational might.

Again and again.

Until our children tell the pollsters that, yeah, their parents talk to
them about the dangers of drugs. All the time. Won't shut up about it.

"You know, I never had a Big Talk with my kids," says Santos, the Fair Oaks
mother. "There is no Big Talk. This is a process."