WHO NEEDS A DICTIONARY TO SPOT THE BULL?

I own a modest but amusing collection of dictionaries with unusual
themes. My favourite is a "dictionary of the vulgar tongue."

Recently some friends, who were trying to send me a not-so-subtle
message, added to my collection. It's called the dictionary of
(bull-shit) by Nick Webb. Master at converting criticism to advantage
that I am, I've turned this feeble attack on my "gift of the gab" into
satiric salvos aimed at slingers of excrement called bull.

First a question: what is BS? Experts generally agree that there is no
simple definition. But Harry G. Frankfurt, in his scholarly essay "On
Bullshit" published by Princeton University Press, suggests that it
might be "deceptive misrepresentation that falls short of lying."

Whatever! We don't need professors to help us spot bull. It's all
around us. Politicians, for instance, have been shovelling bull for
eons, hoping that electors have lost their sense of smell. Not likely!

Witness the recent Peter McKay -- Belinda Stronach debacle. The canine
caterwauling (sorry for the mixed metaphor) that has accompanied the
question of whether or not he called her a "dog," is an embarrassment
to all Canadians. That Belinda has come out "on top" in the "debate"
without relying on NHL enforcer Tie Domi is particularly scary.

Apparently not to pundit Norman Spector, who has been passionately
attached to the noun "bitch" with respect to Ms. Stronach. What hope
is there for lesser beings like me who love the English language when
erudite types like Mr. Spector have to rely on the "vulgar tongue" to
get attention?

Then there's Professor Michael Ignatieff, that brilliant scholar who
audaciously aspires to go directly from the hallowed halls of Harvard
to the leadership of the federal Liberals and, eventually, to the
office of Prime Minister.

Lately he has been uttering clarifications left and right. Two examples:
his stand on Israel and his comments on Quebec "nationhood." My advice
to Canadians: whenever you are about to hear a politician promising to
clarify an imprudent statement in order to be "accountable" run for
cover or stand upwind from the fan. The brown stuff is about to rain on
your head.

Marketing gurus provide an endless supply of BS as well. A particular
brand of toothpaste, we are told by a dentist look alike during
commercial breaks, is "recognized" by dentists everywhere. Pretty
meaningless when one considers that dentists also recognize BMW
sedans, conventions in exotic resort locations and their
mothers-in-law.

Then there are those inane folks hunting for "windows of opportunity."
As in: "After I push the envelope, I'll try to find a window of
opportunity to spend some quality time with my wife/children before
someone identifies a new paradigm and slams the door shut." I can feel
a migraine coming on.

But I am most irritated by military BS. For example, what is an
"embedded" journalist? Is he someone sleeping in the quiet comfort of
a tank rolling along a highway in Iraq? Or is she someone brought
close to the action so that the message coming out to the folks back
home can be washed and spun out like the weekend laundry?

And what does "friendly fire" mean? Does it mean that a few soldiers
playing with their weapons accidentally discharged them in the
direction of their buddies? Or does it mean that there has been a
colossal mistake resulting in soldiers being killed by their own troops.

Then there's BS called the "war on terror." Logic suggests that we
will never defeat terror, but we might succeed in killing a few
terrorists. Indeed, we have allowed the meaning of war to be
diminished by associating it with conflicts of all kinds. There was a
time when war was war, pure and simple. Oh those good old days!

Now we have the war on drugs, the war on pine beetle infestation, war
on crime, war on fast foods, war on obesity, war on global warming,
war on everything, it seems. What's missing is a war on wars. Now
that's a campaign I could support.

The point I should like to make is this: we need to launch a
determined effort to rid the world of BS. It isn't cute or
entertaining. Rather, it is dangerous when used to confuse, conceal,
misrepresent, or deceive.

Be glad if you're not in this user group. But if you are, check out
Webb's "dictionary of (bull shit)." You'll find it most helpful, if
only to make you more creative. After all, there's more than two ways
to say "dog."