TEENAGER CAUGHT PARTYING! POLICE SWOOP! WORLD ENDS! FILM AT 11

The prime minister just said the press too often writes headlines
first and stories afterwards. I didn't know he was familiar with this
or any private business (he spent 1986 to 1990 with a law firm but
forgot, telling reporters, "I am not a lawyer"). Still, since we
often tell him how to do his job, why shouldn't he tell us how to do
ours? He then ignores us, so we will ignore him. Besides, if it lets
you write a headline like "His Royal High-ness" or "Harry Pot-ter,"
how could you resist writing a story about Prince Harry smoking
marijuana?

How could you resist even if you had to quote people calling a teen
caught partying "every parent's nightmare"? Give me a break. Every
parent's nightmare is having their child vanish, leaving bloody
scraps of clothing behind. (Having your kid caught fighting for the
Taliban ought to qualify too, but so far Johnny Walker's parents seem
to be taking an "I'm OK, Osama's OK" view of that one.)

Even among things that are unpleasant but not nightmares, I say a
teen drinking and "experimenting" with drugs isn't that bad. Not that
I ever did such things, officer. Any rumours to the contrary are the
work of my enemies. But in principle, it's understandable.

What's with this term "experiment" anyway? How come no one ever just
takes drugs? Why do they always experiment with them? Our Oxford
English Dictionary calls an experiment "trying something or putting
it to the test" (as part of a long, repetitious definition such as
the Oxford often gives obvious words, while "pogy" gets just the
terse, cryptic "menhaden").

So when you "experiment" with drugs, what are you trying to find out?
Whether they're fun? Whether taking them too much will make you
stupid and antisocial or maybe dead? How much is the right amount? Oh
wait, sorry, did I say that? Death to drugs. Let no one ever take
drugs. What was I thinking? How could I have entertained for one
moment the idea that the purpose of youthful experimentation is to
learn to take drugs responsibly, not to learn you'd rather have Satan
himself in your living room than the dreaded assassin of youth?

Still, for something worse than discovering your own personal kid got
blasted at a party, try being born a small, helpless baby, and by the
time you're old enough to ask "What's going on, man?" they say you're
already stuck being third in line to the British throne and anything
stupid you ever do will be written down, broadcast to a giggling
world and never forgotten. Very little that you do can cause you to
lose your position, although joining the Taliban would presumably
qualify. But nothing, including joining the Taliban and even leading
it, can ever make the media attention go away.

You can abdicate, be deposed, go live under a bridge in New Jersey,
it doesn't matter. Do something dumb and one of those "Did you ever
wonder what happened to ..." stories will appear beneath your
egg-stained mug. You might one day wind up in a celebrity The Weakest
Link. Prince Charles, who has played a difficult role in life with
considerable grace, was caught trying to order a drink at 14, and the
mere mention of the beverage in question makes him wince to this day
(but then, it was cherry brandy).

I don't know whether Prince Harry just did some hard partying or
whether, as some stories say, he's become a total bucket who spent
last summer puking on the entire British aristocracy. If so, he
definitely should cut down a little. But such tongue-wagging, even by
people not up to their clavicles in booze, Prozac and other
middle-class psychoactives, really gets my anti-Puritan goat. A
totally regimented life in which no one ever takes risks, or stops to
ferment the roses, is no life at all.

A major reason why is that, as I think one of the Harry Potter books
says, boys who are not mischievous do not become brave men. Schools
and parents need rules, but someone who never tests limits while
growing up had better never face a crisis as an adult. Think of poor
George VI, who never wanted to be king and was temperamentally
unsuited to it, practising with a Tommy gun in case the Nazis invaded
and he had to join the Resistance. Should England ever go really bad,
I don't want Prince Harry asking an aide what the protocol is.

So to him I say this: Of course you must obey the law. Alcohol helps
most people enjoy life, but for a minority it is poison. Never take
white powder for fun. And if you smoke marijuana, check who's
downwind first because it really smells.

Meanwhile, here's my headline: "Teen parties: World shocked." Even
Mr. Chretien could tell you there's something not quite right about
that.

John Robson is Senior Editorial Writer and Columnist.