LESS LECTURING, MORE LISTENING

Messages On Staying In Close Contact With Kids Strike Chord At Parents' Forum

For the most part, it wasn't anything they hadn't heard before.

The group of experts on stage gave familiar advice to the parents in the
audience. There was nothing really shocking about the "What's Going On?"
parents' forum held last week in Roswell.

But the main theme of the evening --- talk with your kids --- was a welcome
refrain.

"You can never hear it enough," parent Jamie Romano said after the event,
which featured a police officer, an FBI chief, a psychologist and other
experts.

The notion of open parent-child communication resonates with many parents.

"We talk to our children often, even if they don't feel like talking, and
we try to be available, no matter the hour, when they feel talkative," said
Vanessa Turner, treasurer of the Cherokee County PTA Council. "It is a
little more difficult with our son away at college, but we have a set phone
day with him on Sunday afternoon. Either he calls, or we call him. After
one semester, there have been very few Sundays that we have had to pick up
the phone and dial. He has been checking in with us."

David Rifkin, who teaches conflict resolution at Haynes Bridge Middle
School in Alpharetta, moderated the forum at Centennial High School in Roswell.

"We as parents try to do the best we can," he said. "Lecture less. Listen
more. They just might have something important to tell you."

With that, Rifkin turned the floor over to fellow teacher Greg Cloutier;
Alpharetta police Public Information Officer Chris Lagerbloom; Jay Kaiman,
former Southeast regional director for the Anti-Defamation League;
psychologist Laura Mette-Lang; and Dell Spry, FBI chief of
counterintelligence for Georgia.

Cloutier and Rifkin both talked about bullying.

"It's not always blatant pushing and shoving," Rifkin said. "It can be
subtle comments, pushing books out of someone's hands."

Lagerbloom, who stressed that he was speaking for himself and not
necessarily as a representative of the police department, said north Fulton
is not immune to drugs and alcohol in and around schools.

"Guess who the drug dealer's best friend is? A kid with money," he said.
"They're going to go to an area where the kid doesn't have to steal a car
stereo and pawn it [for drug money]. They're going to go to an area where
the kid has it because it's their allowance."

Kids can be crafty, but cops are on their tails, Lagerbloom said. Officers
patrol in unmarked cars they switch frequently to keep an eye on school
parking lots, and know the spots where teens like to hang out and,
occasionally, get into trouble.

Sometimes, though, the problem is parents who refuse to believe their kids
could run afoul of the law, Lagerbloom said.

Gangs are also present in Alpharetta, he said.

"Do we have the 'West Side Story' in Alpharetta? No, we don't," Lagerbloom
said. "Two or three people together, with the purpose of committing a
criminal act, is considered a gang."

If a youth starts wearing clothes of all one color, loses interest in
school, suddenly has lots of money and a new set of friends, or a new
nickname, or is sporting symbols on notebooks or bookbags, it could
indicate gang activity, Lagerbloom said.

He urged parents to contact the police department if they'd like to see
some examples of gang insignia, or to smell marijuana. The cops will burn
incense that smells like marijuana, not the real stuff.

Mette-Lang has a 17-year-old daughter at Centennial. "The ultimate act of
self-inflicted torture is having offspring," she joked. "Parenting is a
high-risk behavior."

Turning serious, she spoke about the young people she deals with who are
struggling with anxiety or depression.

Mette-Lang advises parents, "Take your kid to lunch, just the two of you.
Talk when you get there. Not about grades. Not about school. Nothing kills
communication like critical pronouncements. Ask what they think about
issues, or their feelings. You just might be surprised.

"Say 'yes' as often as is possible. It breeds positive possibilities."

Spry, the FBI chief, said he recently spoke at Haynes Bridge Middle School
and was taken aback by the fear reflected in children's questions.

"You need to talk to them," he said. "Right now our children are longing
for an example."

It is also vital that children learn tolerance, he said.

"Love your children, love them with all your heart and be the person you
want your children to be," he said.

After the panelists finished, parent Jill Glass said she appreciated the
honest discussion.

"The issues that concern our community are in every community," she said.
"Not just in our community, but in any community, it's easy to deny ---
this doesn't happen with my child, this doesn't happen in my family."

Parent Jamie Romano said she benefited from the pointers on talking to kids.

"Even good parents get so busy," she said.