WHATEVER HAPPENS, THE COMMITTEE IS READY

Confused by conflicting reports about what might have been known before
Sept. 11, I called my favorite inside Source: Ananias Ziegler, media
relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America.

It wasn't easy - the Committee is more security-conscious these days, and
to keep outsiders like me from penetrating, it has installed the latest
Voice-Mail-From-Hell technology, apparently borrowed from Colorado's own
Park County. But I persisted through the maze of "Press 6 to hear these
options again" options until I finally got the human voice I wanted to hear.

"Quillen, good to hear from you. I was worried you'd all dried up and blown
away out there in Flyover Country. I've got to tell you, though, that if
you called because you want one of those $150 pictures of President Bush
talking on the phone on Sept. 11, you need to call the National Republican
Senatorial Committee, not us. As you know, it is inappropriate to exploit a
national tragedy for partisan advantage."

I pointed out that I hadn't been able to afford a night in the Lincoln
Bedroom under the previous administration, so I wasn't about to buy a
picture just to make sure Wayne Allard had enough cash to buy his re-
election this year.

"So why did you call?"

Like many Americans, I said, I had been wondering how much the
administration knew about the possibility of terrorist attacks before Sept. 11.

"Haven't you been listening to the vice-president?" Ziegler asked. "Don't
you know that you're giving aid and comfort to our enemies just by asking
such questions? Rest assured, our $30 billion-a-year intelligence network
knew that something was afoot, but didn't know enough to issue any specific
warnings."

So why did Attorney General John Ashcroft quit flying on commercial
airliners last summer, and instead travel on a leased jet that cost $1,600
an hour? Did he know something that we didn't about what was coming?

Ziegler sighed. "If you'd check into the truth, instead of listening to
sensational rumors in the Biased Liberal Media, you'd know that Ashcroft
was responding to a threat assessment performed by his FBI security detail,
which then advised him not to fly commercially."

What was the threat then? Where did it come from?

"All I can do is repeat what Ashcroft said last summer," Ziegler replied,
"and he said he didn't know, and that he didn't do threat assessments himself."

So he wasn't in the least bit curious about who might be after him, and
it's none of our business how our money is being spent in response?

"Get off the high horse, Quillen. Look at it this way. Suppose you were
part of his security detail. Wouldn't you find any possible excuse to fly
on your own Gulfstream, rather than enduring a commercial fight? Does it
have to be anything more than that?"

This wasn't going anywhere, so I moved on. What about the warnings from the
Phoenix and Minneapolis FBI offices? What about the warning that the
president received on Aug. 6 that al-Qaeda might hijack American airliners?

"Hey, look, we had our priorities straight then. Our law-enforcement system
managed to arrest about 750,000 pot smokers last year. And besides, what
was the president supposed to do? Go on TV and tell Americans not to
co-operate with hijackers, but instead to fight them?"

Wouldn't have been a bad idea, I muttered. Suppose a few votes in Florida
had been different, and a President Al Gore had responded in precisely the
same way.

"Oh, we'd be demanding his head on a platter for neglecting national
security. Anything else you want to know?"

What's the future hold?

"As you know, we're taking great steps to improve airport and airline
security."

Why don't you just give Amtrak some of that money so people won't have to fly?

"Were you born yesterday? Because a government-owned passenger railroad
doesn't make campaign contributions. Back to improving Homeland Security -
aren't you relieved on the blue days and wary on the orange days?"

I interrupted. So we're safer now than we were before Sept. 11, and that
sort of thing will never happen again?

"I wouldn't go that far. As the vice-president said, it's not a matter of
if, but when."

Aren't you trying to have it both ways? You're saying you need to
confiscate knitting needles and toenail clippers, all in the name of
protecting us, but we can't assume we're being protected because another
attack is almost a certainty?

"You got it," Ziegler said. "If there are no more attacks, it's because we
took the right steps. If there are more, then they were inevitable and we
said so. We come out ahead either way. Did you expect less from the
Committee That Really Runs America?"

Of course not. Indeed, I was impressed by the Committee's skill in
navigating a difficult course.