CORPORATE SAMPLING TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING

In The Matter Of Drug Testing: If The Company Asks You To Give At The
Office It's Not Really A Gross Violation Of Trust

Q: My company is undertaking random drug testing. On what grounds can I
object and still keep my job?

A: No doubt you feel a gross violation of trust. But, rest assured, this
random drug testing isn't about you. The reason that you are being asked
for a specimen in a Dixie Cup is quite simply for your company to measure
staff exposure levels in its latest environmental toxin initiative.

In fact, corporations regularly test the efficacy of nerve gasses and other
contaminants that they covertly introduce into the workplace. Now with more
recent liberal laws permitting random drug tests, you no longer have to be
an unwitting guinea pig. Instead, by virtue of the fact that you are being
monitored, you can be absolutely certain that you are a subject in an
exciting, relatively non-invasive program.

And, speaking of drugs, Managing Life's crack team of researchers is
convinced that this corporate conspiracy theory runs deep. With the ongoing
battle between public companies and Top Five accounting firms a whole new
Cold War is heating up. This means a revival of nefarious superpower
tactics in your workplace. Employees can expect to re-enter an era of
smothering conformity, loyalty oaths, witch hunts, segregation, lobotomies,
sterilizations, radiation experiments and other fallout that will leave you
jonesing for more.

You could see it coming, my friend. The giveaway? Code names for corporate
financial undertakings, everything from special projects to IPOs. First,
Enron unleashed "Helter Shelter." Now, PricewaterhouseCoopers is spinning
off "Monday," rebranding its consulting business after the Boomtown Rats'
song. This is real life, man. Not, as your online broker might have you
believe, some action musical that will end when the lights come on/markets
turnaround/performers go back to their home countries.

Back to your question, suffice it to say that the parallels between
yesteryear's intelligence operations and today's business intelligence are
striking. The CIA dosed the unsuspecting with LSD -- admittedly one of the
better programs compared to plutonium injections, airborne pathogens or
untreated syphilis -- all in the name of defending the free world.
Multinationals regularly dose their employees in the name of defending the
Almighty buck. After all, unless workers are sufficiently jacked up and
dumbed down, it is impossible for CEOs to get away with excessive pay
packages, pension funds and goosing their secretaries.

In addition to testing the efficacy of corporate mind-control initiatives,
there are numerous secondary benefits to taking your sample. Your employer can:

Determine your sex (gender equity program). Ascertain if you are pregnant
(maternity benefits program). Establish which restaurants you frequent (pay
equity benchmarking).

This knowledge contributes to your company's comprehensive cost-reduction
measures and is designed to dovetail with perpetual downsizing plans.

So what can you do to minimize performance anxiety when it comes to that
Dixie Cup? Decide if you are in or out with respect to dedicating yourself
to company science.

If you are part of the in camp and have already succumbed to the scourge,
you can help your company by tracking valuable data. Keep a diary of
symptoms. Did your shortness of breath coincide with the company plants
losing all their foliage? Jot it down. Do your ravaged eyeballs fail to
respond to their normal regime of Chap Stick? Take a memo. Is your death
toll higher than average? Have the guy in the next cubicle make a note.

Uncertain about the benefits of being a team player? You can throw off the
company results, prevent respiratory and neurological problems, outwit
genetic defects and avoid the tedium of participating in class-action
lawsuits in various ways. Wear a lucky charm. Pack your own lunch. Never
breathe at work.

Consider a faith-based objection to employee experimentation. Oppose any
such initiative on the grounds that human fetuses may have been used in the
manufacture of company toxins.

Of course you will have to face the consequences. Sanctions typically
include kangaroo court martial, loss of rank and pay, jail time, dismissal
under less-than-honourable circumstances and even forced use of obsolete
computer equipment.

So go home, kick back and chose your poison. Not only is your company not
screening for it, your drug-of-choice couldn't even register on the most
advanced testing paraphernalia, bathed as you are in management-approved
toxins.

Catherine Warren is a management strategist and former chief operating
officer. For resources and discussions related to Managing Life and to
contact Warren, visit www.cathwarren.com