SENATE DOPE DEAL A MIND BLOWER

Canada's Senate has lost what's left of its mind. Waking up from its long
summer slumber, a committee of the old boys recommended last week that
Canada should legalize marijuana.

Now some people might think that's OK. But the Senate, in its infinite
wisdom, said it should be legal for Canadians over the age of 16. Yes, 16.

Can you imagine? Kids strolling off to high school, stopping on the way to
pick up a few spliffs at the neighbourhood hemporium, taking a couple of
tokes and then heading off to basket weaving class.

"Wow man, did you catch that drum solo at the end of O Canada?"

"No man, I was busy trying to remember which way it is to math class."

Schools could benefit, however.

Think of 1,500 stoned students charging into the cafeteria, all with the
munchies. No more worries about where the cash will come from to buy those
new electric guitars for the band.

"Dude, look at how that green Jello wobbles in the light."

"Deluxe, man. Scope at my sandwich; bacon and tomato with peanut butter,
sardines and gorgonzola. It's like a masterpiece, man."

Yikes. This is the sort of thing teachers have nightmares about.

Back in deepest, darkest Ottawa, Senator Pierre-Claude Nolin said it should
be a personal choice if someone wants to smoke pot.

Well, now at least we know what all those dudes and dudettes are doing with
their time.
It's reefer madness. Next thing you know, they will want to change our
national anthem to Smoke On The Water.

Alas, back in the real world, things are almost as strange.

Right here in good old Cowtown, local legislation has that
what-were-they-thinking kind of twist to it, too.

As the world quivers and shakes with fear over mosquitoes and the West Nile
virus, we apparently already have the answer.

It's hidden deep within Calgary's nuisance bylaw.

No word on what they were smoking at the time, but our city fathers and
mothers are prepared for the mozzie menace. Here, city council can simply
tell you to get rid of the little buzzers in your yard -- or else. That's
right, someone, somewhere along the way, decided to add mosquitoes to the
bylaw that deals with weeds and such.

So, if you are bugged by your neighbour's weedy insectarium, filled with
those pointy-nosed little blighters, call out the pest police and have Mr.
Mean next door hauled off to the hoosegow.

Wait, it gets better. Not only do you face a fine of up to $500 for not
getting your zapper zapping, there is another little rider in the wording.
You could face hard labour if you don't pay the fine.

Can you imagine? Busting rocks in the big house on a mosquito rap.

When you are finished scratching your head over who thought up the great
mosquito roundup, there is another mystery to ponder.

Someone has walked off with a bunch of Calgary school bus drivers. Up to 20
routes may have to be suspended because there are not enough drivers to go
around.

Where did they go? When did they go? What routes are going to have little
kids standing around waiting for a big yellow bus that never arrives?

According to the Calgary Board of Education and its spokesman, Stephen
Carter, parents should stay at the stop with their kids until the bus arrives.

Right. Can't you just see it? Gangs of parents and kids waiting around bus
stops hoping the bus shows up before it's time for the kids to go home.

Luckily, Canada's Senate wants to legalize pot, so at least the parents and
the older kids will have something to do while they are hanging around.
Maybe then they could fly to school.

And the idiot of the week has got to be the clown who thought a life-sized
statue of Adolf Hitler praying would make a nice display in an art museum
in Rotterdam.

The statue is called Him. It should be called Why?

This is from the same guy, Maurizio Cattelan, that brought us a sculpture
of Pope John Paul being crushed by a meteorite.

It's supposed to bring the viewer "face to face with the personification of
evil."

What kind of moron would think that a world with someone like Osama bin
Laden roaming around hasn't come face to face with evil?

If beauty is supposed to be in the eye of the beholder, shut your peepers
and hope this goes away.

Neil Haesler is Associate Editorial Pages Editor at the Herald.