IN WAR ON TOBACCO, MONEY GOES UP IN SMOKE

In these troubled times, it's nice to know that there is one thing that can
always bring a smile to our faces, and maybe even cause us to laugh so hard
that we cry.

I am referring, of course, to the War On Tobacco. Rarely in the annals of
government -- and I do not mean to suggest anything juvenile by the phrase
"annals of government" -- will you find a program so consistently hilarious
as the campaign against the Evil Weed.

Before we get to the latest wacky hijinks, let's review how the War On
Tobacco works. The underlying principle, of course, is: Tobacco Is Bad. It
kills many people, and it causes many others to smell like ashtrays in a
poorly janitored bus station.

So a while ago, politicians from a bunch of states were scratching their
heads, trying to figure out what to do about the tobacco problem. One
option, of course, was to say: "Hey, if people want to be stupid, it's none
of our business." But of course that was out of the question. Politicians
believe EVERYTHING is their business, which is why -- to pick one of many
examples -- most states have elaborate regulations governing who may, and
who may not, give manicures.

Another option was to simply make selling cigarettes illegal, just like
other evil activities, such as selling heroin, or giving unlicensed
manicures, or operating lotteries (except, of course, for lotteries
operated by states). But the politicians immediately saw a major flaw with
this approach: It did not provide any way for money to be funneled to
politicians.

And so they went with option three, which was to file lawsuits against the
tobacco companies. The underlying moral principle of these lawsuits was:
"You are knowingly selling a product that kills tens of thousands of our
citizens each year. We want a piece of that action!"

The anti-tobacco lawsuits resulted in a humongous jackpot settlement under
which the tobacco industry is paying hundreds of billions of dollars to 46
states (and of course their lawyers). The tobacco companies are raising
this money by mowing lawns.

Ha ha! Seriously, they are raising the money by selling cigarettes as fast
as they can. So EVERYBODY wins in the War On Tobacco:

. The smokers get to keep smoking tobacco.

. The tobacco companies get to keep selling tobacco.

. The politicians (and of course their lawyers) get a big old ton of money,
as physical proof of how much they are opposed to tobacco.

Originally, the states claimed that they would use the tobacco-lawsuit
money to . . . well, to do something about tobacco. But that of course
makes no economic sense: To actually stop smokers from smoking would be to
kill the goose that is coughing up the golden loogies.

So the states, according to the Government Accounting Office, are using
less than a tenth of the tobacco-settlement money on anti-smoking programs.
Meanwhile, they are spending bales of it on all kinds of unrelated
projects, such as highways, bridges and museums. Officials of Niagara
County, New York, spent $700,000 of their anti-tobacco money to buy a
sprinkler system for a golf course. Maybe they were thinking that a golfer,
while teeing off, would get sprayed in the eyes, causing him to hit the
ball into a foursome of tobacco executives. Take that, merchants of death!

But as comical as all this is, it is not the zaniest development in the War
On Tobacco. For that, we must look to North Carolina. According to an
article by Liz Chandler in the Charlotte Observer, North Carolina officials
have so far given $41 million of their tobacco settlement to -- I swear I
am not making this up -- tobacco growers. Yes! The state gave this money --
which, you may recall, was taken from tobacco companies to punish them for
selling tobacco, which is evil -- to these growers so they can buy
machinery that will make them more competitive producers of . . . tobacco!
This is like using War On Terrorism funds to buy flying lessons for al Qaeda.

So that's your update on the Wacky, Wonderful War On Tobacco. It is now
essentially a partnership between politicians and tobacco companies to make
money by selling cigarettes. It's only a matter of time before some shrewd
state cuts out the middleman and starts funding the War On Tobacco by
making cigarettes and selling them directly to the public ("Smoke New
Jerseys -- They Taste As Great As Their Name!").

No, wait, that would be completely insane.

I give them two years.